Logically I know that I shouldn't be frustrated by the fact that I have so many people choosing to worry about me. They worry because they care, but at the same time I can't help but wish that they would care a little less sometimes. The burden of their worry is sometimes too great a burden to carry around.
Maybe that seems a little petulant, and ungrateful... but I don't know of any other way to put it.
I am quite obviously excited to start at MSU in the fall. It's something that I have been working towards for years. It has always been the goal, and maybe that's why I am confused by the reactions I am garnering from some of my family. They knew that this was the path that I was on, why are they so SHOCKED?
I won't pretend to have the answer to this question. I would however love to find the answer, because those answers that I on occasion believe would fit the inquiry are not the answers that I would like to be true. Do they really have so little faith in the person that they know me to be?
Showing posts with label worried. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worried. Show all posts
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Disappearance
It is possible to embrace change, in the same instance in which you feel your own doubts raining down on you. I can’t blame anyone for making me feel any particular way… sometimes it’s hard to know when it is appropriate to behave selfishly. In the moments that I am being honest with myself I know that the direction I am moving in is the right one, and yet there is the doubt, the uncertainty, and the knowledge of the things that I will leave behind.
There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.
I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?
I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.
It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.
There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.
I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?
I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.
It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Runaway
Sometimes things would be so much easier to understand if the motivations of the people around you were clearer. My niece ran away today. My sister’s incredibly worried, as are the rest of us. It’s this indescribable tension that’s unshakeable. Scenario’s run through your head at their own will and it’s a slideshow you wish you could shake.
Why would she do this?
Of course there are catalysts that have led to this point, but what really leads a person to believe that running will make it all better? How can leaving undo what has already been done?
Growing up is a struggle. I’m aware of that. It’s hard to adjust to the demands that are often set upon you when faced with the middle ground that is teenage life. You’re expected to act like an adult and assume responsibility and yet this concept is counteracted by the constant reminder of your youth.
I should have been a better Aunt. I shouldn’t have been so self-fish. I should have lived up to my responsibility better. I need to try harder in the future to be the Aunt that I haven’t been in the past.
Why would she do this?
Of course there are catalysts that have led to this point, but what really leads a person to believe that running will make it all better? How can leaving undo what has already been done?
Growing up is a struggle. I’m aware of that. It’s hard to adjust to the demands that are often set upon you when faced with the middle ground that is teenage life. You’re expected to act like an adult and assume responsibility and yet this concept is counteracted by the constant reminder of your youth.
I should have been a better Aunt. I shouldn’t have been so self-fish. I should have lived up to my responsibility better. I need to try harder in the future to be the Aunt that I haven’t been in the past.
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