A Change in Plans

The plans that God has for us don’t always match up with those that we had for ourselves. Had you asked me a year ago where I expected to be today, that answer would be quite different from my present reality. This time a year ago I had just gotten into Michigan State University. I had transferred there from Washtenaw Community College with the intent to pursue a Bachelor’s degree in Journalism.

I wanted to be a writer. It was a plan that made a lot of sense. After all, MSU has a wonderful J-school. But the more I consider that career choice, the more I feel that it was solely my plan and not necessarily God’s plan. Yes, I was pursuing Journalism with the intention to help people, but how far can words go in helping people?

I have always believed that words carry a lot of power, and I continue to believe that. But I don’t feel that my true passions lie in putting words down on paper like I may have once thought. While I enjoy writing, and I could probably be suitably happy writing for the rest of my life, I don’t think that it would ultimately satisfy my passion for helping people.

I feel that being an EMT allows me to be instrumental in helping those that are in crisis.

I realize that writer and EMT are drastically different career paths, but… it’s where I feel like I need to be. It’s where I feel called to be. I have a broad idea of what my future has in store for me, but I think that’s all we can have. A broad idea.

It’s best to live in the present, be cognizant of the role the past has played and to be open to what the future has in store. At the present this is where I am. I am grateful for the experiences that now reside in my past, and I am remaining open to what each new day has to offer me.

Outrunning Yourself

One of my favorite parts of a work day is the drive there/home. It is my moment of solitude and time to myself. Of course too much time spent in solitude isn't necessarily a good thing either, which is why more often than not when on my own I turn up the radio load enough to drown out my own thoughts, and have most of the windows open.

I like it when the wind whips through my hair and the sun streams through the open windows. The best time to drive is on sunny days when the sky is blue and marked by big puffy clouds.

The thing is though, we can't outrun ourselves.

Despite the fact that we may at times wish to escape particular thoughts, or past actions, or situations it's just not possible. Our past shapes who we are in the future, and is something that we have to acknowledge in order to move forward. We have to accept our composite parts, and in order to do that it is first necessary to cease in desist in running from the various facets of what makes us who we are.

I'm not completely sure where I am going with any of this. In fact, I feel like I'm rambling which is all together very likely.

Cryptic Thoughts

Adolescence is a hard stage to pass through. It is a time filled with uncertainty and yearning. You have a sense of the world around you, and yet you remain certain that everything is focused towards you. It’s natural to be a little narcissistic at this age. After all, all versions of abnormal behavior have some root in what may be considered normal behavior.

I learned some things yesterday that I guess I hadn’t previously realized.

There are so many things I don’t like about that sentence above… The thing is, I like to be in control, and when I feel helpless it’s an unacceptable feeling. I don’t exactly think that I’m helpless in this situation… but do I dare take the risk to reach out? Do I dare not to?

Looking at the situation in those terms I don’t think I can afford to abide by the label that I know I have managed to earn. I can’t keep my silence and pray that someone else will swoop in and do my job for me. I put a lot of energy into worrying, and I need to fuel that energy elsewhere.

I spent last night reading through an old journal that I kept from my freshman year until my junior year of high school. There was a distinct pattern in content as I read. I was consumed by a great deal of anger in the early years of that journal. However, looking back at those pages now I can sense a little more how much that anger was fueled by frustration…

Like I said adolescence is not an easy stage to pass through. I think I have some idea of how someone close to me is feeling, and I think I can help but it means being very open about how I felt than. I’m afraid of doing more harm than good, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t do something that… I’m afraid if I don’t do something than the future may not bode well.

I understand that the situation is not fully my fault, but I was a player. Maybe at times I felt like the pawn, but the thing that maybe I didn’t understand then as clearly as I understand now, is that no one makes you feel things. We chart our own courses, we choose how we feel and we choose how we deal.

I’ve made some mistakes, but so to have we all. Now I have only to hope that my mistakes of the past may atone for the future that they have helped to create and to perhaps yield a new future that doesn’t seem quite so awful.

Runaway

Sometimes things would be so much easier to understand if the motivations of the people around you were clearer. My niece ran away today. My sister’s incredibly worried, as are the rest of us. It’s this indescribable tension that’s unshakeable. Scenario’s run through your head at their own will and it’s a slideshow you wish you could shake.

Why would she do this?

Of course there are catalysts that have led to this point, but what really leads a person to believe that running will make it all better? How can leaving undo what has already been done?

Growing up is a struggle. I’m aware of that. It’s hard to adjust to the demands that are often set upon you when faced with the middle ground that is teenage life. You’re expected to act like an adult and assume responsibility and yet this concept is counteracted by the constant reminder of your youth.

I should have been a better Aunt. I shouldn’t have been so self-fish. I should have lived up to my responsibility better. I need to try harder in the future to be the Aunt that I haven’t been in the past.

Building Bridges

Over the weekend I finished reading “Envy” by Anna Godbersen, and I really enjoyed it. There was one line in particular that has kind of stuck with me. It was an aside by the narrator attributed to the character Elizabeth, “It would have been difficult for her to say with certainty who she was anymore”.

This is an interesting observation to me because I believe for most of us, at various stages in our lives this idea holds true. I know it holds true for me, because I’m not always certain who I am in the greater scheme of things. I most certainly am not always certain of the person that I have become or see myself becoming.

Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the present with the expectations of the future that I previously held. I remember a time when I was certain that graduating from High School would mean an end to days where I would wake up wishing for the future to be closer at hand. I told myself that it was end of waking up in the morning and knowing I had go somewhere that I had no desire to go.

And yet, there are times when I feel certain that I have put myself in that same situation once again. I find myself cornered by my own desire to build a future where this feeling may be extinguished.

It’s frustrating to be aware of where you stand and equally certain of where you want to go. It’s the connection between the two that seems unfathomable. The second seems unattainable by virtue of the un-bridged gap that exists between them.

I am in the process of building that bridge. It is a slow, painstaking process.