Skillz

“What are some new skills you would like to take the time to acquire?”

I would love to know how to knit, or crochet even. I would be so much easier to knit or crochet a scarf because then it would be made the way I want and the color I want. I probably wouldn’t be so ambitious as to attempt a blanket or anything. I’m not that patient. But yeah, it’d be cool as hobby.

I would also love to learn how to play the piano, or at least the keyboard I own but cannot play. While I may be able to read sheet music, which seems to be half the battle, I have trouble making sense of which keys are what notes. You would think it’s not entirely too different from playing the flute, but it seems to be. Someday this is an endeavor that I will take up.

I remember several years ago I wanted to learn to roller blade. Although, I’m certain this is a bad idea because I am clumsy enough with two feet solidly on the ground. There is no need for me to go about nearly ensuring that I break a leg.

The only other thing that I wish I was more skilled at is making small talk. I am not very good at the whole social thing. I often find that I don’t know what to say in social situations, which makes it difficult to meet and bond with new people. I would love to be able to make conversation more easily than I do now. It’s something that I need to work at, though I like to delude myself into believing that having a job has helped me a little bit in this area.

Personality Trait

“What aspect of your personality is strongest and least likely to change as you get older?”

I tend to commit to situations and people one-hundred and ten percent, it’s the way that I’ve always been and the way that I’ll probably always be. Whenever I give my word that something will get done I make certain that I follow through with that promise. I like to fulfill what I see as my obligations to other people.


Sometimes this results in my placing more responsibility on my own shoulders than I need to. It also more than occasionally results a lot of self-sacrifice. But for the most part this is something I can accept. It is more acceptable to me that I be inconvenienced by own decisions than someone else be.

If I say that I will be somewhere, or bring something, or do something than I ensure that it happens. In cases where I can’t be the one to complete the task I find a way for it to happen. It’s important to me that I’m seen as reliable. I like to know that other people are aware that I am someone that they can count on.

I’m certain that this is something that will always be true, and if it isn’t than I’d be sorely disappointed.

Failure and Defeat

“How do you typically react to failure or defeat?”

The bottom line is that no one ever truly seeks to fail at anything, even though we are all aware of the importance of failure in the equation that equals success. In order to find success one must be willing to risk, and face failures. It is also true that we may often feel like a failure and yet in actuality not be. Our own expectations may often serve as our undoing.


But the question was how I typically react to failure. I’d love to say that I take it in stride, but I know that’s not an honest answer. I tend to be able to work through it, but it depends on how
I’ve perceived myself to have failed. How committed I was to the project prior to the failure makes a world of difference.

In general, I’ve been known to revert back into myself following a failure. I remember that my freshman year of high school was particularly trying. Looking back on it now I’m aware that I was never truly in any danger of failing, but I was afraid of the distinct possibility.

I can remember one morning in early February of that school year. I woke up that morning after only a couple hours of sleep in tears. I was convinced that the paper I had been up all night writing was awful and therefore what was the point of any of it. My mind at that point was already set on a future years away. It was ingrained in my mind that success was paramount.

That morning I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldn’t stop the tears, and I couldn’t coherently describe their cause. I recall my parents telling me I needed to stay home and take the day off, and I weakly argued against it. In my mind I need to go, I needed to be there. It was important, and yet I knew just as well as my parents did that I couldn’t go that day.

That was the say that I was crushed by my fear of even the idea of impending failure. I don’t respond well to failure, though I tend to save my meltdowns for those moments that I am alone. When surrounded by others I am more likely to become even more closed off or even play it off as being no big deal. I tend to over think things, and especially when I perceive myself to have failed.

Beyond these simple facts though is the truth that I failed to post yesterday, and therefore I will be making two posts this weekend.

Building Bridges

Over the weekend I finished reading “Envy” by Anna Godbersen, and I really enjoyed it. There was one line in particular that has kind of stuck with me. It was an aside by the narrator attributed to the character Elizabeth, “It would have been difficult for her to say with certainty who she was anymore”.

This is an interesting observation to me because I believe for most of us, at various stages in our lives this idea holds true. I know it holds true for me, because I’m not always certain who I am in the greater scheme of things. I most certainly am not always certain of the person that I have become or see myself becoming.

Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the present with the expectations of the future that I previously held. I remember a time when I was certain that graduating from High School would mean an end to days where I would wake up wishing for the future to be closer at hand. I told myself that it was end of waking up in the morning and knowing I had go somewhere that I had no desire to go.

And yet, there are times when I feel certain that I have put myself in that same situation once again. I find myself cornered by my own desire to build a future where this feeling may be extinguished.

It’s frustrating to be aware of where you stand and equally certain of where you want to go. It’s the connection between the two that seems unfathomable. The second seems unattainable by virtue of the un-bridged gap that exists between them.

I am in the process of building that bridge. It is a slow, painstaking process.

Lazy Friday

It’s Friday! It’s Friday and I’ve managed to finally complete and send off my philosophy exam and now all that remains for me to do is finish my Psychology reading and then I am free. Blissfully free for an entire week from school stress at least.

I started reading “Envy” last night, well technically early this morning… It’s the third book in
“The Luxe” series, I’m one-hundred pages in and hooked. I anticipate finishing it today so maybe Monday I’ll talk about it… or write a review for my other blog, that would be a good idea come to think about it.

I feel like I should have more to say with this post, but I really don’t. Not much has gone on today, except for homework and thankfully the lack of having to go to work.

Spring Perspective

I need to stop making plans. I planned to come home from work tonight and complete my Philosophy Exam and completely failed in that effort.

“Pride and Prejudice” fan fiction is just so much more tempting… obviously.

It was snowing earlier, I don’t know if it still is, but it was. I hate snow. Despite having a winter birthday, I still can’t stand winter. In fact, the only justification for January at all is my birthday in my highly accurate opinion. I am much more partial to spring.

Many people would flock to summer because it’s warm and generally there is some sense of a lack of obligation. (Unless of course, you work in retail…) Others would say they are partial to fall because it’s so pretty when the leaves change colors. They are fascinated by the gradual demise of summer into winter. A few crazies think winter has some merit. ;p

I however, really enjoy spring. Spring marks the re-birth of warm weather and brilliant sunny days. Spring ushers in new beginnings and fresh starts. I’m looking forward to this spring. Though for the most part I am enjoying my classes, I’m ready for a break. I’m ready to breathe again.

This summer will be the first time since starting college last fall that I won’t be taking classes, and by this spring I should have some idea of what this fall will bring. This spring I will know, I will some idea of the future and it will be welcome perspective.

Almost Spring Break

Technically spring break doesn’t start until next week, but today was my last round of classes until March, so I think it’s safe to say that as far as I’m concerned spring break has started. Now all I need to do is finish up my philosophy exam and some psychology reading and I won’t have think about school for a week.

I don’t exactly get the whole week to myself, what with work and everything, but it’d be nice to see the stress levels diminish even a smidgen.

What I’m really looking forward to is getting in some reading. I haven’t been able to do much reading aside from school assignments and so the prospect is really exciting. My pile of unread books is RIDICULOUS. Then of course I want to re-read The Immortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare before the third one comes out in March. I’ve been waiting for that book to come out since March of last year. That series is absolutely fantastic.

It’s also exciting that I’m getting that much closer to potentially hearing back from MSU. By my figures I’m likely to hear back from them near the end of March or the beginning of April. Although, we all know how reliable school tend to be…

Focus Failure

All I want to do is sleep, but I failed to work on my psych. homework before going to work this afternoon and now I’m stuck trying to concentrate on completing it. Concentrate is the key word in that sentence, and at the moment it seems impossible… so I’m turning to blogging instead.

The first thing on my list to finish is my article summary on hypochondria. It’s a relatively simple assignment, but it takes some amount of focus. Focus. The second things on my list are the two take home test questions, again not anything difficult.

Now if only I could bring myself to concentrate on the task at hand…

Treasure Troves

Used bookstores are treasure troves. Bookstores in general are amazing, but there is just something spectacular about used bookstores. They afford the perfect opportunity to stumble across new authors because you never know what you may find. The way that they shelve books often means that titles that wouldn’t usually be shelved together are.

If it weren’t for a used bookstore, I may never have come across Wally Lamb’s “I Know This Much To Be True”. I read it at least a year ago and yet the story still resonates and remains clear in my mind.

I really love this local used bookstore known as The Book Abbey. The shelves there are literally bursting with books. They’ve got this awesome credit program, and they have a punch card system set up so that once you fill the card you get three free books.

So recently I earned three free books and I got two of them today. They both sound really good, though I doubt I’ll get the chance to read them right away. My ‘to read’ pile is seriously huge. I can’t wait for spring break next week, I have some serious reading to do.

To Plan, Or Not To Plan

So since today didn’t go as planned… I’m thinking tomorrow will be my best bet for getting caught up. The goal is to not have to think about school next week during spring break. That’s the goal at any rate.

I’m hoping to get my math test back tomorrow. I think it went really well… but then of course sometimes thinking that can backfire. I’ve got my fingers crossed!

Tomorrow I also have to work on writing my article summary for Abnormal, it’s on hypochondria and though I tried to read through the article tonight I can’t bring myself to focus on it. Hopefully I’ll have more luck doing so tomorrow afternoon.

I plan to be organized and efficient, but then again after today maybe I should learn that in general it’s not a good idea to make plans.