False Appearance

I can remember my first grade self vaguely. I’ve always been a quite person, but that never stopped me from standing up for myself. I had this friend that year, who would periodically threaten not to be my friend for inane reasons. Usually it was because I didn’t want to play the same games that she did during recess.

When I would disagree with her she would threaten not to be my friend unless I agreed, and rather than cave in I would tell her that was fine. Whatever.

The funny thing is, by the time recess was over she would always come back and say she was sorry, and oh could we be friends again. I would always agree, I would forgive and “forget” as it were. There are those that would say my continual forgiveness is evidence of a failure on my part to be assertive, but I don’t think that’s true.

I think the more important thing about this memory is my reaction to her initial threat. What did it matter to me if she didn’t want to be my friend? As far as I was concerned I didn’t need her to be my friend if she didn’t want to be.

Needless to say I lost contact with her after that year, which isn’t surprising since I switched schools and I believe she moved out of the area. In fact, all I remember of her is that her name was Yvonne, and of course the above anecdote.

But this is all to prove my point, which may in fact prove pointless. My point, is that sometimes appearances don’t always paint the full picture. You can believe that you know someone and in reality not have the slightest idea who they really are. I may not always seem to be the most assertive person, but what seems to be isn’t always the truth.

Who? Me?

Apparently I am not very assertive, or at least I don’t seem to be. I fully admit that I prefer to take things in stride, and it is often more important to me to take care of others before myself… but this doesn’t make me a push-over. If I don’t agree with something, or if I feel that it is important to take a stand I will.

Some people seem to think that I’m incapable of standing up for myself, and I can see where they get this impression but I don’t feel that it has any real weight behind it.

My dad likes to tell me that I have people fooled. To a degree I guess this is true. Who really knows me? Who is really aware of the temper that I work so hard to hold in and constrain? It makes me feel better that my parents don’t think I’m as spineless as others seem to think.

Sometimes it’s hard to know that everyone thinks I’m such a nice person.

Sometimes I wish they knew how much of a struggle it can be.

There are times when I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of others expectations. Everyone thinks they know exactly who I am, when half the time I’m not even sure who I am…