Friday, May 29, 2009

To Disappear

I was listening to Fall Out Boy’s latest album on the way home from work the other night. ‘20 Dollar Nose Bleed’ come on, and as it opens the lead singer sings, “Do you ever want to disappear?”. It’s an interesting question, because it got me thinking about the beliefs we hold believing them to be truth.

When you believe something to be true but later discover it false does it loose any of the truth it held for the moment in which it was believed to be so?

There was certainly a point in time where I wanted to disappear. I really craved it, because I believed for whatever reason that would make everything better. In my bleakest moments I can still convince myself that this is what I want, even though in moments of clarity I know better.

Maybe it’s not that we ever truly wish to disappear but that we want to be assured that if we were to manage such a thing we would be missed. Maybe the idea of disappearance is only true in that it is believed to be an escape hatch. We seem to think that ditching the life that we are faced with will result in losing those moments that are making it difficult. Yet once moments have passed into existence they take on their new life in memory, and we can’t outrun ourselves no matter how much we wish to try.

It is easier said to forgive than to forget, and this is why I don’t believe in that maxim. It is nearly impossible to ever forget, and therefore I suggest not worry so much about forgetting, because where there is forgiveness there isn’t the need. Forgive yourself and others for those moments that are hard to bear, and remember those instances and the way that you dealt with them in order to learn how to deal in the future. Remember as a lesson, and allow the pain to ease through the implementation of forgiveness.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


In the process of trying to get my computer to register that the optical drive really does exist, I managed to uninstall my mouse. Intelligent move, I know. On the bright side I did manage to re-install the mouse by using a wireless mouse to re-install it.

On the not so bright side this means that this post is late and therefore going to be complete rubbish. Ah well, that is the way the ball bounces I suppose.

I need to make this one hundred words. A moment ago I only had about eighty-two. Now I have one-hundred and I am off to sleep. I’m sorry this post is crap, I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fragmented Truth

As I was sitting in the break room at work tonight I picked up a portion of Sunday's paper that was laying on the table. I love all of Mitch Albom's books, and so when I see his articles in the Free Press I like to read them. The particular article that caught my eye this evening was one of his entitled, "Our lives as seen through a window".

I found the concept really interesting. He considers how important windows are to our lives, whether we are in grade schoool dreaming of the playground just beyond out windows, a writer looking for inspiration , or an everyday individual facing our world. He recalled an apartment that he had in NYC and how his window faced a brick wall and grew to become assciated with a sense of clastrophobia.

The story that pervades the article however, is the preacher whose funeral Mitch Albom notes to have recently attended. He draws notices to the fact that the preacher wanted his office window to face his churches playground. This signified what was important to him, and thereby establishes the precedent for Albom's article. Our windows reflect what is important to us.

Near the end of the article Albom states: " And I realize how much we define the world by what we see through our windows".

I really like this idea because it eptomizes a universal truth that we often attempt to avoid. The world revolves around interpretation, whether it be mine, or yours, or that person that lives down the street. Not one of us necessarily see the world in the same way because our view from our windows differ. Our perspectives are different, and therefore our interpretations are different; not necessarily wrong in their diffrence and not necessarily right either. In fact in general our individual interpretations tend to be peices of the fragmented truth.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

My New Hero

I had to drive to WCC today in order to have a final transcript sent to MSU. It would have been a nicer drive had the sun come out, but Sarah agreed to ride along so it was a fun trip. Once we had stopped at a Coney Island for lunch, we headed back towards home.

Funnily enough, as we were headed out of Saline this car stated tailgating me, and once we got to section of twelve that included a passing lane the woman passed me. Mind you, the driver was a little old lady and I was speeding as it was. It was hilarious, and that woman is my new hero. I want to drive like her when I’m older.

The remainder of the drive was uneventful, aside from the ridiculous police debacle once we’d reached Adrian. We were driving along and I looked in my rearview mirror only to be greeted with the flashing lights on top of a police car. In general it doesn’t bother me to be pulled over as long as I know that I’m doing something that makes me worthy of being pulled over.

I was doing nothing wrong in this instance, but I pulled over nonetheless. I proceeded to watch as he drove on by. Of course I was relieved, but confused. The police officer didn’t pull over the person in front of me either, in fact at the first opportunity he pulled onto a side street and turned off his lights as he continued to drive along. Talk about annoying.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Technology Woes

Technology is not my friend at the moment, and Window’s Vista has certain never been my friend. Why can’t my computer just stop gross and work like it is supposed to, or even like it did say four months ago. Roughly four months ago, because I can’t be bothered to actually remember when this happened as it would be too helpful; my computer decided it no longer wanted to recognize the optical drives existence.

They are no longer communicating, which makes my life difficult which seems to be the theme of the universe.

So I have lived without an operational optical drive for some time now, and have recently embarked on correcting this issue. This is plan that I should never, ever have acted on because it has been nothing short a headache. I have tried installing driver updates, and BIOS, I’ve referred to the HP site and their advice… I’ve even reset the computer to its original factory settings managing to lose a couple files that I failed to remember I hadn’t backed up. Thankfully it was nothing vital.

My older brother works with computers. I let him take apart the drive and look it over, and by all appearances it should work. Following that inspection I “borrowed” my younger brothers computer, which is the same model and traded drives. I thought maybe the drive was the problem and since his worked before switching them, it was worth a shot.

Upon switching the optical drives I discovered that not only did the one from his computer still not show up on mine, but the drive that refused to exist on my computer worked just fine in his. O. M. G.

At this point based on what research I have conducted regarding the issue, because I’m not the only one who has had this particular problem with this particular model… It looks like the problem may be the motherboard. Now I am not fluent in computer, but this prospect doesn’t make me all that happy. To add insult to injury I can’t seem to communicate effectively with the HP support people to find out a concrete solution to my problem.

For the moment the prospect of just living with the mysteriously missing drive is appealing. Technology is short sucks.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Just Another Day

I’m eating healthy tonight. At the moment I’ve got a can of cotton candy at my side and in moments I will have a frozen lasagna serving fresh from the oven. As usual, I have a glass of coke near at hand. Yum!

Work was fairly uneventful. The majority of my day was spent climbing a ladder and hanging pictures, and then re-hanging them when they didn’t look right the first time. This wasn’t so bad, though several of the pictures were rather large and therefore rather heavy.

I wish I had more to talk about, but I don’t seem to. I suppose this will have to pass for today’s post…

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Review To Come

I finished reading “The Attack” by Yasmina Khadra and translated by John Cullen. It’s an amazing book that I picked up on a whim at my local used bookstore. The use of language is almost poetic and the story is poignant. Once I get a review written up for it I’ll be posting it here:

Aside from that accomplishment there wasn’t much more to my day. I failed to fax a copy of my AP scores to MSU like I was going to. I suppose I should make sure to do that before going to work tomorrow afternoon.

I started reading “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” this morning. It is every bit as AWESOME as it sounds. As long as you don’t take it too seriously it’s hilarious, and in general a pleasure to read. I’m only a few pages in and I am most certainly hooked. Already I would recommend this book to anyone.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


It is possible to embrace change, in the same instance in which you feel your own doubts raining down on you. I can’t blame anyone for making me feel any particular way… sometimes it’s hard to know when it is appropriate to behave selfishly. In the moments that I am being honest with myself I know that the direction I am moving in is the right one, and yet there is the doubt, the uncertainty, and the knowledge of the things that I will leave behind.

There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.

I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?

I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.

It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Not Much To Say

Lately this whole blogging thing has been going really well, and then a night like tonight rolls around. For the last hour I’ve been staring at this blank screen to intimidated to start putting words on the page. I’m not exactly sure of the source of this intimidation aside from possibly the conviction that I don’t really have much to say.

It’s been a rather quiet day all around. I’ve nearly finished reading a book that I began the other day, which I suppose is an accomplishment… but aside from that I’ve been fairly unproductive. I go back to work tomorrow, and perhaps that will spur something more interesting with which to write about.

In fact, I work the next four days in a row. It’s interesting to have gone from having only one day to work this week to having a total of five. It’s good of course in the long run…

Monday, May 18, 2009

Dumb Americans

Is anyone else tired of hearing how dumb American students apparently are? I am, and I have been, and I will continue to be. It seems that every few months or so some journalist somewhere feels that it is incumbent upon them to pull out this ridiculous litany.

It is unfair to make comparisons between educational systems because they are not all organized and conceived in the same way. If you compare an apple and a kiwi you aren’t going to find many similarities. Yes, perhaps they are both fruit, and you may stretch the comparison to say that they both have seeds. This however, is where the similarities may end.

They are incomparable beyond these points, because in taste they nothing near one another, shape does not signify as a similarity, neither are the same in color or overall appearance.

While the educational system in the U S of A may be similar to those in other countries in that they are educational systems put into place in order to present knowledge to students, this is where the similarities end. The systems while they are similar in purpose are not identical in execution and therefore any comparison is incomplete.

I’m not sure where exactly I was going to go with this…

Friday, May 15, 2009

Attitudes and Moronic Behavior

My potentially irate customer came in today. Thankfully I had everything all set so that there wasn’t any hassle, and when I wasn’t certain about something I pretended to be. That’s all any of us really do anyway, pretend to be completely on top of things even though we are fully aware of how much we aren’t aware of. He was slightly shorter than me; obviously this explains his attitude problem…

The drive in to work this morning was absolutely beautiful. The drive home on the other hand left something to be desired, it was grimly raining.

Skipping right along, I saw three MORONS today. I was driving home and was nearly here when two of the three ran across the five lane road without paying any regard to the cars that were using it. Not only did they dart across the road without paying even the slightest caution, but it was raining and fairly dark even though it wasn’t that late in the evening.

Several cars were most definitely fairly close to hitting them, though thankfully there was no accident as a result of their utter stupidity. I didn’t see the third kid cross the street, though they were all obviously together because once I managed home and had parked in my driveway I saw the little hoodlums come over the fence.

It was the most ridiculous, and stupid thing that I’ve seen in a while. These kids were old enough to know better to. If these are the individuals of the future, then it’s a scary future to imagine.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


This is not a habit that I have intentionally fallen into, but I nearly forgot to write and post this. Again. Grey’s Anatomy’s season finale just ended and I am flabbergasted. I’m not going to spoil the ending here, but let’s just say that it was not the ending that I foresaw. It was incredibly sad.

Tomorrow’s the day. Hopefully everything goes smoothly with the gentleman who’s coming into the store to pick up his merchandise. He was irate Wednesday on the phone, but maybe he’s cooled off a bit by now. Either that or he’s spent his time stewing and is even more upset, whatever the case may be I get to deal with him.

We’ll see how that goes.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Looking Forward

I ended up working later than I anticipated tonight, so if this post seems rushed that’s because it is. The deadline for its needing to be posted is quickly approaching and the content is quite frankly unwritten.

It was a slow night tonight. In fact, it didn’t seem all that busy until after we closed. I spent well over an hour in another department picking up and just generally getting it ready for tomorrow. Fun times.

I got my letter from WCC in the mail today. Apparently I’m one credit away a “Liberal Arts Transfer” Associates, but I am choosing not to care all that much about it. I got in to MSU, that’s where I’m going in the fall; it’s time to look forward.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Language Barrier

I didn’t just get home from work. I was at work, but I’ve been home for a little while. Actually, I nearly forgot to post this, so things are going to be a little bit down to the wire this evening. Not that this is unusual…

So, as I said I was at work. At one point a group of people came through my department speaking French amongst themselves. This was fine, although it’s always a little disconcerting because in this situation do you greet them? Do you say “Hello”? Do they speak or understand English? There is no way to know. I just smiled and left it at that.

At any rate they were looking over the night lights that we sell, and they seemed to be moving on. Then one of the men from their group came over to get my attention. He had a question, and he posed that question in French. It became clear quickly that he didn’t speak any English whatsoever, whether he understood English I have no idea, but he certainly didn’t speak it.

Why didn’t I pay more attention in French class?

I assumed that he probably wanted a particular one in a box and asked him if that was what he wanted. He shook his head and said something in French. I of course was lost at this point.

Luckily his friend, who spoke some English, came over and translated for me. Apparently he was wondering something about adapters for European plugs. Beyond this I don’t know specifically what he wanted. I could only respond so far as to say that we don’t sell such adaptors and that I imagine that such an adaptor would be needed overseas.

It was interesting, and yet not all that uncommon.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Long Day, A Long Night

I feel as though today has been majorly counterproductive. A large portion of the day was devoted to attempting to get my computer to recognize that my CD/DVD drive is in fact still connected to the computer. Stacey tinkered with it, but couldn’t seem to pinpoint what the problem is exactly.

I ended up switching the drive in my computer with the one in Shawn’s, only to discover that the drive is perfectly acceptable. It works just fine in his computer and for that matter the one that was originally in his computer works fine in his as well. Neither optical drive works in my computer.

My computer has decided it hates me. Obviously.

Last night, in an effort to fix the above problem I rebooted my entire computer bringing it back to its original factory settings. Of course, when I did this it didn’t occur to me that I had some music on my itunes that I had failed to back up. That was a hassle in itself since I ended up wrestling with my ipod until it agreed to cough up the songs that had nearly eluded my grasp.

I’m tired of fighting with technology. The evening doesn’t look much brighter from here. Though I have managed to save the majority of my music, and am now reinstalling itunes for the third time today, I still don’t know why my CD/DVD drive is refusing to work and my cousin is going into emergency surgery.

I’m hoping and praying that she comes through it ok, because the doctors are worried. My parents are down at the hospital now, and I’m here holding down the fort. These are the instances that make me nervous about the future. I know I’m ready to move forward, and yet in so many ways I know how much I’m needed… But she’ll be alright, we all will. We just have to move through this one step at a time, starting with tonight’s surgery. I’m putting this out there, and asking for prayers for my cousin and the doctors that will be with her in the next few hours. Pray for steady hands and a smooth operation.

Friday, May 08, 2009


I was a fairly clumsy child.

At our former house, we had a pool in the back yard. At around age three I managed to fall into that pool. It’s a vague memory. I can recall sinking to the bottom, sitting cross-legged on the pools ‘floor’. We were having a family dinner that day, and thankfully one of my cousin’s dove in and retrieved me. I can recall that there was a lot of fuss over the whole thing, but that’s where the memory ends.

In our backyard, we also had this area that was essentially a dirt pit where we used to play. We had a swing set in this dirt pit that wasn’t particularly fastened down. A year or so after the pool incident my younger brother, older cousin and I were playing around the swing set. I don’t remember who was swinging, but it wasn’t me, because one leg of it lifted up and when it came back down my thumb was in the way. I still have the scar from that fiasco on the thumb of my left hand.

In the same time frame, we were over to my grandparents for a family dinner. I don’t remember which holiday it was, but that’s irrelevant. My slightly younger cousin, younger brother, and I were running through the house. In true klutz fashion I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going and ran smack-dab into the doorjamb of the next room. Brilliant, I know. That scar is fairly faint, but it’s still there on the left side of my forehead.

I’m lucky to have made it to the age of five, let alone twenty. :D

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Disconcerting Commercials

Commercials are annoying. When I watch television I tend to mute it during commercials.

So at the moment I am watching Grey’s Anatomy (or was), and during the last commercial break I had muted the t.v. and was surfing the internet. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that there was a face plastered on the screen. There was no text, and the person did not appear to be speaking. This girl was just staring out at me from the t.v. screen.

That was disconcerting. Turns out it was some ad for toothpaste or whatever. In that context it makes sense, but when there is no sound to place with the image it’s a bit creepy.

Just a bit.

According to the tracking number on my latest book order, it’s in town. Hopefully that means it will be in my hands tomorrow. I could have “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” in my hands. Tomorrow. It’s exciting, I’m excited!

Michael J. Fox has a documentary that is playing on ABC at the moment. In it he documents some of his travels, looking for hope in places where maybe it’s not expected. It’s really interesting and it brings to mind Mattie J. T. Stapanek… I always found Mattie to be inspirational. With everything that he ever went through, he always thought about others. That was an important concept for me to be aware of in my early teenage years.

It’s important to always have some concept of the greater world around you.

Why is that only when faced with situations that seem difficult or more precisely are difficult, are we able to really look at the world around us? Maybe this isn’t always true, I’ll own up to using a large generalization here. It just seems that it’s often out of despair, or situations that should induce despair that hope and some form of clarity are reached.

I’m probably not being very clear here. My thoughts are all jumbled and they seem disconnected. But I think this is important. I think that it is always important to analyze the perspective that we place on situations and challenge ourselves to alter our perspectives. Only when we are able to look at a situation from multiple points of view can it be possible to gain any true sense of an event.

I think it’s time to go read. Or sleep, but I’ll probably end up reading…

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Not Your Baby

I’m in! I just got the letter from MSU today, and I’m ecstatic. It’s so great to have some idea of what I’ll be doing and where I will be next fall. The suspense is finally over! Today was a very productive day. Not only did I finally get my answer from MSU, but I also got the chance to talk to my niece, it seemed to go well. I pray that it went as well as I hope it did.

In unrelated news… several days ago I made a new ‘friend’ on myspace, and it brought to mind how annoying I tend to find pet names to be; maybe not so much annoying as obnoxious. More specifically I abhor the use of the term “baby” when referring to anyone other than someone who is actually, you know, a baby. Following the same train of thought, “babe” is equally unacceptable.

This being a personal truth, it is no wonder that in the course of not only a single conversation but also a single sentence I was referred to as both “baby” and “babe” the other day.


What is so odd about it is that the person who said this has never actually met me. Maybe this isn’t so odd though considering that if they did know me they would know this to be true. In fact this was the first time that they had ever spoken with me.

This girl, who doesn’t know anything about me thought this would be a perfectly acceptable way in which to address me. I found it both annoying and obnoxious, but of course being the person that I seem to be I didn’t go out of my way to make note of my annoyance.

Although I must say she stopped talking with me rather abruptly. It seems I somehow managed to be a bit intimidating. Oops.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Waiting and Reading

Today was rather uneventful as those things go. I spent a good deal of the morning watching for the mail to arrive, and was sorely disappointed when neither a response from MSU or WCC arrived. I know that WCC will let me know through the mail, but MSU is another story. They might e-mail me, or they might send it by way of snail-mail.

Not knowing is driving me crazy. I really want to know.

I finished reading the first half of the first omnibus in L.J. Smith’s Vampire Diaries series. I love it! It’s amazing. The thing that I love about her stories is that the female protagonists aren’t damsels in distress. They are strong members of society, and though they may not always realize their own strength they come to realize it. She does not write whiney characters, and I love that because I can’t stand reading a whiney character.

Her characters aren’t always the obvious hero, but in those moments that count they find the strength to be leaders even if they don’t want to assume that responsibility. The other thing that I really enjoy about her stories is that she is able to maintain a balance. Just because her female leads are strong, her male leads aren’t portrayed as weak. The characters are all one equal footing, which is important for realistic plotting. If you haven’t previously checked out anything by her I highly recommend that you do. She’s wonderful.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Cryptic Thoughts

Adolescence is a hard stage to pass through. It is a time filled with uncertainty and yearning. You have a sense of the world around you, and yet you remain certain that everything is focused towards you. It’s natural to be a little narcissistic at this age. After all, all versions of abnormal behavior have some root in what may be considered normal behavior.

I learned some things yesterday that I guess I hadn’t previously realized.

There are so many things I don’t like about that sentence above… The thing is, I like to be in control, and when I feel helpless it’s an unacceptable feeling. I don’t exactly think that I’m helpless in this situation… but do I dare take the risk to reach out? Do I dare not to?

Looking at the situation in those terms I don’t think I can afford to abide by the label that I know I have managed to earn. I can’t keep my silence and pray that someone else will swoop in and do my job for me. I put a lot of energy into worrying, and I need to fuel that energy elsewhere.

I spent last night reading through an old journal that I kept from my freshman year until my junior year of high school. There was a distinct pattern in content as I read. I was consumed by a great deal of anger in the early years of that journal. However, looking back at those pages now I can sense a little more how much that anger was fueled by frustration…

Like I said adolescence is not an easy stage to pass through. I think I have some idea of how someone close to me is feeling, and I think I can help but it means being very open about how I felt than. I’m afraid of doing more harm than good, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t do something that… I’m afraid if I don’t do something than the future may not bode well.

I understand that the situation is not fully my fault, but I was a player. Maybe at times I felt like the pawn, but the thing that maybe I didn’t understand then as clearly as I understand now, is that no one makes you feel things. We chart our own courses, we choose how we feel and we choose how we deal.

I’ve made some mistakes, but so to have we all. Now I have only to hope that my mistakes of the past may atone for the future that they have helped to create and to perhaps yield a new future that doesn’t seem quite so awful.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Covered in Frosting

I went to my cousin Wyatt’s birthday party. He just turned five, and therefore he is adorable. This is the same cousin that asked me several weeks ago when I was going to grow up. Little kids, you’ve got to love them!

The majority of my time at the party was devoted to keeping an eye on his little sister, who turned one in January. Peyton, much like her brother, is adorable. Once the food was finally ready she sat in my lap and I fed her bit of hot dog and macaroni and cheese. While I managed not to wear any of that portion of the meal, I ended up covered in a fair amount of frosting once the cake was served up…

It was a nice evening, though I’m glad to be back home and well away from the noise that is a room full of children five years and younger. As cute as they may all be, it’s nice to be able to have them around for a while and then send them back with their parents.

I finished my paper well after midnight last night and sent it off. I’m excited, as this means that I know am one math test away from being finished with this semester, and potentially having my associates degree!

I’m still waiting for the confirmation to come from WCC. This week marked six weeks since I applied for graduation, so I’ll give them another couple weeks before I start sending out the e-mails. That being said, I hate playing the waiting game…