Disappearance

It is possible to embrace change, in the same instance in which you feel your own doubts raining down on you. I can’t blame anyone for making me feel any particular way… sometimes it’s hard to know when it is appropriate to behave selfishly. In the moments that I am being honest with myself I know that the direction I am moving in is the right one, and yet there is the doubt, the uncertainty, and the knowledge of the things that I will leave behind.

There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.

I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?

I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.

It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.

Time Management

There are several things that I should at this moment be doing. In fact, for the past four days I have fed myself that same sad delusion: that I would complete my philosophy exam, get it e-mailed off early and not be working on it down to the wire. I dare you to guess what hasn’t gotten done yet…

Worse than not done, I haven’t actually, really started it. I’ve thought about it. I’ve considered it. I just haven’t acted on any of those very valid thoughts and considerations.

This is my reoccurring problem. This is why, as much as I tend to dislike them, deadlines are good for me. They lend structure to my disorganized thought processes, and allow me to find focus in moments of scatterbrained meandering.

Am I off now to work on my Philosophy exam? Well I should, at least a little bit. Of course I should also get some sleep so that I can get myself to work in the morning. So many obligations, and such a short span of time to meet them…

Heavy Thoughts

I am staggering in disbelief, drowning in disillusionment, and wishing to recapture a former clarity. I want to believe again in the world around me, but I’m not sure that’s possible. Can you go back, and do you even want to?

It’s like I’m staring heavenward from the bottom of the deepest well screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear. How did things get so out of control, why have we all allowed ourselves to be so blind that it would come to this?

My niece has been found, but it’s not over yet. Some choices have been made that I can’t agree with but she’s not my daughter and so I’m powerless to turn the tide as it stands. I want those who can, those who are responsible for correcting this monumental mistake to do what needs to be done. I want them to do what should have been done in the first place.

I want the chance to be the Aunt that I always should have been. I want the chance to wrap my arms around my niece and let her know that even though I’ve been remiss in saying that I love her. I love her unconditionally and I’m here. I want her to know that there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. I want her to be aware that there are options open to her even the world seems so desolate and blank. I want her realize that I’m in her corner, that I’ve always been in her corner.

I want that second chance and I’m praying that I get it.

Goal Accomplished

Down to the wire, yet again; this seems to be becoming a trend no matter how hard I try to break it. However, it could be argued that tonight was not my fault. Yes, true I could have posted earlier in the day, but it didn’t seem to be necessary.

I went to the bowling alley with my family, as I tend to do on Friday nights that I’m not stuck at work. Not to imply that I don’t absolutely love work, not to imply that at all… Generally we get home at nine, but of course this couldn’t be the average night.

Let it just be said that an excess of alcohol and ego was involved. It quickly turned into a long night, but thankfully I made home and thus have managed to finish a week without earning the obligation to responsible for posting this weekend.

Thank God, goal accomplished!