Disappearance

It is possible to embrace change, in the same instance in which you feel your own doubts raining down on you. I can’t blame anyone for making me feel any particular way… sometimes it’s hard to know when it is appropriate to behave selfishly. In the moments that I am being honest with myself I know that the direction I am moving in is the right one, and yet there is the doubt, the uncertainty, and the knowledge of the things that I will leave behind.

There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.

I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?

I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.

It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.

Who? Me?

Apparently I am not very assertive, or at least I don’t seem to be. I fully admit that I prefer to take things in stride, and it is often more important to me to take care of others before myself… but this doesn’t make me a push-over. If I don’t agree with something, or if I feel that it is important to take a stand I will.

Some people seem to think that I’m incapable of standing up for myself, and I can see where they get this impression but I don’t feel that it has any real weight behind it.

My dad likes to tell me that I have people fooled. To a degree I guess this is true. Who really knows me? Who is really aware of the temper that I work so hard to hold in and constrain? It makes me feel better that my parents don’t think I’m as spineless as others seem to think.

Sometimes it’s hard to know that everyone thinks I’m such a nice person.

Sometimes I wish they knew how much of a struggle it can be.

There are times when I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of others expectations. Everyone thinks they know exactly who I am, when half the time I’m not even sure who I am…