Thoughts on Public Speaking

I was recently talking with someone and the conversation turned to public speaking. The entity of this particular conversation isn’t so important, so much as it allows me to launch into my real purpose for blogging today.

Public speaking is a widely feared activity. There are many would rather do just about anything to get out of standing in front of a crowd of people, be they familiar or strangers, and speak. It is both a persistent and staggeringly paralyzing fear.

I’m sure there is some psychology-based reason for this fear, but quite frankly I am not hosting a lecture on psychology here and so I’ll spare you that conversation.

Moving right along, I don’t fall into the category of people that fear speaking in public. While I do become obscenely terrified in the presence of spiders, I don’t mind getting up in front of a crowd of people. Give me a room full of people as opposed to one itty-bitty spider any day.

Regardless of any of the above ponderings, my true point in writing this evening is that the conversation I originally mentioned has lead to my recalling an essay that I wrote, and later spoke about, my senior year of high school. The essay was written as a creative piece for my Advanced Placement English class, presenting it happened purely by chance.

We were scheduled to have a Senior Academic Awards night, and at the last minute, quite literally a couple of day’s prior, they decided that they wanted to have a student speaker at the event. Naturally they turned to the AP English class. When they pitched the opportunity no one immediately jumped at the chance, which now that I think about it is a bit strange, even stranger though was that I found myself raising my hand and volunteering to speak at the event in a room full of fellow seniors, their parents, and several staff members.

At any rate, this is the piece that I ended up sharing with those at the event:

The following is based on this prompt: What is your favorite word and why?

“Spoken Definition”

Words are exceptionally powerful. While we have all heard some variation of the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, I can guarantee that no matter how many times you repeat it, the saying will never come any closer to the truth. In fact, the things that we say are often more powerful and, depending on the situation, have the capability to do more damage or good than our actions. This is why when speaking we must choose our words carefully; it is also one of the reasons why choice is my favorite word.

Choice is important to me because the ability to choose allows me to control certain aspects of my life, whether it is as simple as what shirt I wear in the morning or something larger, such as my future career. After all, it is the choices that we make that not only determine where we end up, but more importantly define who we are. I rely heavily on my ability to make my own choices in order to establish who I am and to allow myself the opportunity to become the person that I want to be.

The importance of choice also comes into play when I am speaking with other people or trying to express myself in some way. If my words are ill chosen, then the message I am trying to convey is more susceptible to being misconstrued or lost completely. Choice becomes increasingly important when people’s ability to understand where I am coming from and what I am talking about is left hanging in the balance.

Choice is my favorite word because it embodies the idea that I am in control of the direction of my life it is a powerful word that, to me, signifies that my choices define who I am, despite the opinions of others. In another respect, words are powerful and they should be chosen carefully. Word choice, and good choices in general, become increasingly important when I am attempting to convey a particular message. Ultimately, choice is my favorite word, because the choice’s that I make are the largest reflection of who I am, and who I one day wish to become.

What about you? How do you feel about public speaking? Is there a particular word that resonates with you?

BTW

If you have, by chance, made it this far, I’d like to let you know that this year’s blogging goal is to blog once a month. I fully intend to hold up to this goal better than I did last years. Please feel free to keep me accountable.

Connections

I enjoy my JRN 200 class, it's the paranoia that it leaves me with that I could do without. I am taking a break from the assignment that it due no later than eleven, to blog, because if I stare at the mock obituary I've managed to write, I may go insane. Omar was talking in class today, about how he wants us all to be able to write something and by the time we are finished with it be certain that what we've turned in is the best that we could have done.

This is something that I find myself struggling with. I think the interesting thing about writing, is that no matter what you're writing it's never really finished. Given an infinite amount of time, a writer continually alter, and polish any given piece of writing. This process is only interrupted because of deadlines which are often both necessary and daunting.

Hopefully I will be able to focus on polishing up my 'story', once I've written this up. Breaks are good things.

On a completely different note... Over the last couple days my oldest niece has really been on my mind. Specifically, I keep going back and mentally picturing the day that she was born. I was five at the time, and my brother was four. I remember that she was so tiny, and when I was asked if I wanted to hold her I was so scared that I would drop her. She looked so fragile.

Eventually it was worked out that Shawn and I would share one of the hospital chairs, and hold her together. The memory is vague in detail, but it's so strong in my mind. Anyway, it's been on my mind a lot lately, and today I learned that she's going through a bit of a struggle.

I just thought it was interesting that she's been on my mind so much lately, and it happened to correspond with this event back at home. It's amazing how connected we can be with people that we love, even when we are separated by substantial distances.

Headache

I feel as though my head is going to explode. I should probably take something, but... eh.

I suppose it would help if I could just breathe, just take a moment and stop THINKING. Thinking will get you every time. I have the day off Thursday. Maybe I'll spend the day writing. Maybe that's just what the doctor ordered.

Sometimes it is easy to feel like a coward, and generally that is because cowardly behavior isn't all that difficult to identify. At the moment I am tempted to refute these self-aimed claims... and yet I can't bring myself to. If I weren't so cowardly maybe I wouldn't feel the stress of all of these decisions weighing down on my shoulders.

I know what I need to do, and yet that doesn't make me any more inclined to get up and going about doing what needs to be done. I need to make a decision and follow through with it, and perhaps than I will manage to lose this headache.

The Mirror

Stumbling, fumbling, falling
Into the abyss’ welcoming embrace,
Searching, scanning, hoping
That it is not you that I must face.

In moments I find weakness
Clings to my every thought,
I am lost in familiar waters
And meeting foes previously fought.

The darkness beckons
And beseeches me forward,
The light sits at my back
Waiting for the tug of a ripcord.

Uncertainty fogs my vision
And clouds my every step,
The dread of moments to come
Frightens in this endless prep.

I reach my destination
Dead-end to an endless hall,
And there stands a mirror
Hung against the wall.

You are there standing in repose
Your eyes dare to accuse,
Here you have waited
And you are not amused.

Your eyes are mine
And my eyes are yours,
Each of us it tired
Of these tiresome chores.

You shrug, as do I
As we are each the first to turn away,
The darkness at my back
For the moment held at bay.

To Disappear

I was listening to Fall Out Boy’s latest album on the way home from work the other night. ‘20 Dollar Nose Bleed’ come on, and as it opens the lead singer sings, “Do you ever want to disappear?”. It’s an interesting question, because it got me thinking about the beliefs we hold believing them to be truth.

When you believe something to be true but later discover it false does it loose any of the truth it held for the moment in which it was believed to be so?

There was certainly a point in time where I wanted to disappear. I really craved it, because I believed for whatever reason that would make everything better. In my bleakest moments I can still convince myself that this is what I want, even though in moments of clarity I know better.

Maybe it’s not that we ever truly wish to disappear but that we want to be assured that if we were to manage such a thing we would be missed. Maybe the idea of disappearance is only true in that it is believed to be an escape hatch. We seem to think that ditching the life that we are faced with will result in losing those moments that are making it difficult. Yet once moments have passed into existence they take on their new life in memory, and we can’t outrun ourselves no matter how much we wish to try.

It is easier said to forgive than to forget, and this is why I don’t believe in that maxim. It is nearly impossible to ever forget, and therefore I suggest not worry so much about forgetting, because where there is forgiveness there isn’t the need. Forgive yourself and others for those moments that are hard to bear, and remember those instances and the way that you dealt with them in order to learn how to deal in the future. Remember as a lesson, and allow the pain to ease through the implementation of forgiveness.

Disappearance

It is possible to embrace change, in the same instance in which you feel your own doubts raining down on you. I can’t blame anyone for making me feel any particular way… sometimes it’s hard to know when it is appropriate to behave selfishly. In the moments that I am being honest with myself I know that the direction I am moving in is the right one, and yet there is the doubt, the uncertainty, and the knowledge of the things that I will leave behind.

There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.

I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?

I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.

It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.

Cryptic Thoughts

Adolescence is a hard stage to pass through. It is a time filled with uncertainty and yearning. You have a sense of the world around you, and yet you remain certain that everything is focused towards you. It’s natural to be a little narcissistic at this age. After all, all versions of abnormal behavior have some root in what may be considered normal behavior.

I learned some things yesterday that I guess I hadn’t previously realized.

There are so many things I don’t like about that sentence above… The thing is, I like to be in control, and when I feel helpless it’s an unacceptable feeling. I don’t exactly think that I’m helpless in this situation… but do I dare take the risk to reach out? Do I dare not to?

Looking at the situation in those terms I don’t think I can afford to abide by the label that I know I have managed to earn. I can’t keep my silence and pray that someone else will swoop in and do my job for me. I put a lot of energy into worrying, and I need to fuel that energy elsewhere.

I spent last night reading through an old journal that I kept from my freshman year until my junior year of high school. There was a distinct pattern in content as I read. I was consumed by a great deal of anger in the early years of that journal. However, looking back at those pages now I can sense a little more how much that anger was fueled by frustration…

Like I said adolescence is not an easy stage to pass through. I think I have some idea of how someone close to me is feeling, and I think I can help but it means being very open about how I felt than. I’m afraid of doing more harm than good, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t do something that… I’m afraid if I don’t do something than the future may not bode well.

I understand that the situation is not fully my fault, but I was a player. Maybe at times I felt like the pawn, but the thing that maybe I didn’t understand then as clearly as I understand now, is that no one makes you feel things. We chart our own courses, we choose how we feel and we choose how we deal.

I’ve made some mistakes, but so to have we all. Now I have only to hope that my mistakes of the past may atone for the future that they have helped to create and to perhaps yield a new future that doesn’t seem quite so awful.

Heavy Thoughts

I am staggering in disbelief, drowning in disillusionment, and wishing to recapture a former clarity. I want to believe again in the world around me, but I’m not sure that’s possible. Can you go back, and do you even want to?

It’s like I’m staring heavenward from the bottom of the deepest well screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear. How did things get so out of control, why have we all allowed ourselves to be so blind that it would come to this?

My niece has been found, but it’s not over yet. Some choices have been made that I can’t agree with but she’s not my daughter and so I’m powerless to turn the tide as it stands. I want those who can, those who are responsible for correcting this monumental mistake to do what needs to be done. I want them to do what should have been done in the first place.

I want the chance to be the Aunt that I always should have been. I want the chance to wrap my arms around my niece and let her know that even though I’ve been remiss in saying that I love her. I love her unconditionally and I’m here. I want her to know that there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. I want her to be aware that there are options open to her even the world seems so desolate and blank. I want her realize that I’m in her corner, that I’ve always been in her corner.

I want that second chance and I’m praying that I get it.

Runaway

Sometimes things would be so much easier to understand if the motivations of the people around you were clearer. My niece ran away today. My sister’s incredibly worried, as are the rest of us. It’s this indescribable tension that’s unshakeable. Scenario’s run through your head at their own will and it’s a slideshow you wish you could shake.

Why would she do this?

Of course there are catalysts that have led to this point, but what really leads a person to believe that running will make it all better? How can leaving undo what has already been done?

Growing up is a struggle. I’m aware of that. It’s hard to adjust to the demands that are often set upon you when faced with the middle ground that is teenage life. You’re expected to act like an adult and assume responsibility and yet this concept is counteracted by the constant reminder of your youth.

I should have been a better Aunt. I shouldn’t have been so self-fish. I should have lived up to my responsibility better. I need to try harder in the future to be the Aunt that I haven’t been in the past.

Volunteer, Get Involved

I used to volunteer all the time when I was in high school and a member of the National Honor Society. Prior to my involvement with that group, I went on mission trips with the church that I attended up until my freshman year of high school.

My point here is that I used to volunteer all of the time, and it’s something that I miss. The thing about volunteering is that it is something that you can do for other people, and therefore put them before one’s self. Sometimes it’s important to take a step back from your own thoughts and the situations that are nagging at you and give back to the community.

It’s easy to get caught up in our troubles, and fears, and worries to the point that they consume us. Volunteering is a way to divert this energy and take a moment to think about people and situation beyond one’s self.

My goal this summer is going to be to look for more opportunities to volunteer and regain some of that perspective that I feel as though I have lost in the last two years. I need to stop worrying so much about what the future holds and take a moment to consider the present.

Travel Ramble

If I could go anywhere in the world right this instant and not have to consider any responsibilities, I would jump in my car and just drive. I wouldn’t have any particular location that I would have to reach. The idea is soothing.

Sometimes I become easily immersed in whatever is stressing me out in the moment that it’s refreshing to imagine taking a step back and remembering to breathe. It often feels as though
I’ve forgotten to breathe. I don’t think of this notion as running away, so much as I consider it an opportunity to clear my head.

So many times whatever is stressing us out is related to a time or place it dwells in the atmosphere that surrounds us on a daily basis. We feel trapped by circumstances and regrets. Melancholy can be an overwhelming thing, an intangible wall that over time surrounds and encases us making escape seem impossible. There are moments when it is necessary to remove yourself from the equation, to forget the problem if even only for a moment in time.

There are so many things that I want to do, things that I need to do, and then there are the things that I am compelled to do. It is easy to feel weighed down by things that in hindsight are insignificant.

Building Bridges

Over the weekend I finished reading “Envy” by Anna Godbersen, and I really enjoyed it. There was one line in particular that has kind of stuck with me. It was an aside by the narrator attributed to the character Elizabeth, “It would have been difficult for her to say with certainty who she was anymore”.

This is an interesting observation to me because I believe for most of us, at various stages in our lives this idea holds true. I know it holds true for me, because I’m not always certain who I am in the greater scheme of things. I most certainly am not always certain of the person that I have become or see myself becoming.

Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the present with the expectations of the future that I previously held. I remember a time when I was certain that graduating from High School would mean an end to days where I would wake up wishing for the future to be closer at hand. I told myself that it was end of waking up in the morning and knowing I had go somewhere that I had no desire to go.

And yet, there are times when I feel certain that I have put myself in that same situation once again. I find myself cornered by my own desire to build a future where this feeling may be extinguished.

It’s frustrating to be aware of where you stand and equally certain of where you want to go. It’s the connection between the two that seems unfathomable. The second seems unattainable by virtue of the un-bridged gap that exists between them.

I am in the process of building that bridge. It is a slow, painstaking process.

Moments of Worry

I can’t understand why it is so easy to be motivated before I actually sit down to write… and then when faced with a blank screen my mind goes suddenly blank. Well… that’s not quite true.

At any rate earlier today I was thinking about how we always ask people how they are doing, and the standard answer to that standard question is, “I’m alright”. But are we? Is that answer ever wholly true when we give it in reply?

Not generally. Usually there is something on our minds that eating away at us. How honest are we with the people around us? How honest are we with ourselves?

I’m not alright. I’m worried; worried about the next week, the next month, and rest of the year. I feel tested and stretched, cornered and unsure. Things will get easier, eventually. If eventually could be tomorrow that would be great, but if not it’ll be alright.

That’s the thing about rough patches, their difficult in moment but once you’ve gone through them you are able to appreciate the role that they have played in building your character.

Why

I wasn’t sure what to write for this, my second post of the day… and then I wondered why? Why…Why…Why? The infinite unknown why, why what? Have you ever wondered how many times in a lifetime we invoke the word why? Why war? Why peace? Why be nice? Why be cruel? Why care? Why give in to apathy?

To every why that we might ask, there is a complimentary other why that may be posed, it’s the question whose answer remains forever illusive. It is the infinite word that is every little child’s favorite. It’s the question we all ask, the answer we all seek. Why do we do as we do? Why do we continually question? Why should we cease to question? Why did that happen? Why did we let it? Why couldn’t we stop it?

The questions are many and the answers are few and far between.

Yet again we are faced by a new why. Why are the answers so few? Why does the unknown outbalance the known, and how do we know when we are there? How is the answer to be recognized for its veracity?

Why do we, the collective human race, focus so adamantly on the minor and so blatantly shun the major? Why is it that youth offers us the chance to have a black and white view of the world while adulthood exposes the grey’s?

The Past

Is it strange to view the past as something tangible? At one moment all of our yesterdays are right there, laid out in front of us, close enough to touch; and the next moment they're so far way, separated by the great, unyielding abyss that is time.

If it were possible to run into your past selves just walking out and about, I'm certain I wouldn't recognize myself. I feel like I've changed so much in the last twenty years. The individual goes through so many changes within the course of a year, that to pin point to source of growth as a person develops into this insurmountable task.

Change you say? I hate to say that I've changed though, because while I have in a way obvious to myself, essentially I'm the same as I ever was. This is to say, anyone who knows me, and has known me for any amount of time may not be aware of the changes that I see in myself. I'm as reliable as I've ever been, and I still care fiercely about the people around me but I've also found that I'm more relaxed now than I've ever been. I feel more in control, and less weighted down. (Most of the time anyway, I still have my moments…) I also doubt myself less, which saves me from a lot of the stress that I once placed upon myself. (But sometimes the doubt is still difficult to ditch.)

[Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to expand on this in my two posts. Eh.]

This being said... Do you sense these changes in yourself? Do you think others notice these changes? Would you recognized the 'you' of the past if you saw them walking down the street?

Prison

Yesterday I started reading Tom Clancy’s “Executive Orders” and there is this one line that I can’t stop thinking about. “The real prison was, and would always be, himself” (21).

I guess what intrigues me about this line is how accurate it is. We live out our lives surrounded by shifting prisons. When we are young school acts as our prison, later it is the jobs that we hold, and always there are limitations that accompany our age and health. But this line touches on the most important of all the prisons that we find ourselves entrapped in.

We ourselves act as our own prisons. The bars that bind us are no less capable of holding us captive though they are invisible. Our thoughts and our doubts imprison us. They are what hold us accountable and in some instances hold us back.