The End (Kind of)

This is my final blog post that is connected with my year-long project aimed at writing more in the time between my twentieth and twenty-first birthday. It's been an interesting year, full of changes and transitions. While I feel like I've grown in many ways, I've also remained much the same.

As I think about this project, it's difficult to pinpoint any specific changes that were particularly monumental over this past year. If I were a smarter person I would have spent some of my free-time over the past week going over posts from this last year and compiling a list of things to discuss in this final post.

Of course, then I wouldn't be me.

At any rate, I don't want to give the impression that I won't be posting on this blog any more. I still plan to utilize this space although I may not be posting as often as I have been over the past year. I definitely won't be posting daily.

It's been an interesting year, and I've certainly written more than I had in the past several years. I feel like I've definitely taken a major step in the right direction, and look forward to using this experience to jump into the future. I'm currently working on looking into the future and looking for ways to get ready for the future that I want to build. These are exciting times!

Falling

I nearly forgot to blog this evening, and now I don't know what to say. My day was eventful in its own way and yet nothing that really seems noteworthy happened. Today was my second to last day at work, and at times it proved to be a bit emotional because there were several people in my department who I was seeing for the last time, or at least until December rolls around.

I've agreed to come back seasonally when I am home from school at Christmas, and so it doesn't make leaving quite so hard. Leaving is actually harder than it ever appeared it would be when it was merely an idea.

It is finally hitting me that I've gotten in and am really moving away. I'm still excited obviously but I'm nervous. I'm leaving behind everyone and everything I know, and plunging into a whole new environment surrounded by new people. I know this post is fairly reminiscent of yesterdays, but it's what's on my mind.

I'm not very good at saying goodbye, or at least maybe I am but then I'm not so great at conveying just how much people mean to me. I've grown very comfortable with life as it has been these past two years and trading all of that in makes me nervous.

What if I'm about to fall flat on my face?

Nervous Energy

Saturday is posed to be both an ending and a beginning. As of Saturday I will be leaving the place that I have worked at for just over two years now, and that makes me a little nervous. I know in the past few months I've managed to convince myself that I needed to hold out for August, that August was the month that mattered and now that it's here all the nervous energy that I haven't felt for all that time seems to have caught up with me.

Saturday means that I am that much closer to leaving behind everything that is familiar and jumping headlong into a foreign environment. I may be moving only an hour and half away, but I am leaving behind family, friends, and a job that I've grown comfortable and competent in.

Will I miss my job? Maybe not the job so much, but definitely the majority of the people. Thankfully I might be able to come back seasonally... I still need to see about working that out.

Sleepless

While it may be incredibly early it is in fact Monday morning, and since sleep seems to be illusive at the moment there is no reason for my not to blog. It's annoying when you are tired enough that you cannot bring yourself to focus on any one thing and yet you cannot find sleep either. I would love to sleep, but it seems impossible for the moment.

My mind is abuzz with chatter, and I wish there were some switch that I could flip so that it might stop. The house is silent aside from the gentle murmur of my ceiling fan. (Why this is relevant, I'm not sure.)

This weekend was inconsequential as weekends go. Today I narrowly avoided the monotony that work has become. Thankfully I managed to retain my day off. Therefore I spent much of the day taking a look at a 'novel' that I began writing several years ago now. It definitely needs some polishing up and plot revision in general. I gave the first chapter a well deserved make over today. Perhaps as I get it cleaned up further I'll post some excerpts of it here.

I find that as time passes I long for and dread the coming of August in equal measure. There are so many pros and cons to the passage of time. While on the one hand it promises to relieve from me the burden of my present stress, it presents a whole new realm of stress to delve into. Why can nothing ever be simple? Why is it so impossible for us each to understand the pressure that we inflict upon others with our expectations and actions?

Much later today I will go to work. I am merely stating a fact here, as I cannot yet ascertain whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. There are only so many things which I am certain of. The first is that I am ready for change, and the second is that despite how much I seek change it is tempting for so many things to remain the same.

The Past

Is it strange to view the past as something tangible? At one moment all of our yesterdays are right there, laid out in front of us, close enough to touch; and the next moment they're so far way, separated by the great, unyielding abyss that is time.

If it were possible to run into your past selves just walking out and about, I'm certain I wouldn't recognize myself. I feel like I've changed so much in the last twenty years. The individual goes through so many changes within the course of a year, that to pin point to source of growth as a person develops into this insurmountable task.

Change you say? I hate to say that I've changed though, because while I have in a way obvious to myself, essentially I'm the same as I ever was. This is to say, anyone who knows me, and has known me for any amount of time may not be aware of the changes that I see in myself. I'm as reliable as I've ever been, and I still care fiercely about the people around me but I've also found that I'm more relaxed now than I've ever been. I feel more in control, and less weighted down. (Most of the time anyway, I still have my moments…) I also doubt myself less, which saves me from a lot of the stress that I once placed upon myself. (But sometimes the doubt is still difficult to ditch.)

[Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to expand on this in my two posts. Eh.]

This being said... Do you sense these changes in yourself? Do you think others notice these changes? Would you recognized the 'you' of the past if you saw them walking down the street?