Week 41: Online Degree, The Future

I'm not really sure how it is that I managed to really start looking into finishing my degree online. I mean, I've considered it, but I haven't really taken the opportunity to sit down and investigate the options that are out there. It's definitely something that I need to continue considering and investigating.

It's just, I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do. There is an extent to which I'd like to finish what I've started as far as my degree in Journalism, and yet there's another part of me that wonders if that's wise when I'm not 100% sure that's even the direction that I want to pursue anymore. I mean, yes I really enjoy writing, but as I found during my year at MSU being a Journalist is about SO much more than writing. Anyone can write, and being a Journalist isn't about being a stellar writer anyway (although it certainly helps).

Do I even have what it takes? I know I do, that's a challenge that I can rise to. But... It's just such an investment of time and money, and the future is so uncertain no matter what choice I ultimately make. This isn't anything I'm going to be making a definitive decision on right now.

I guess the point that I'm coming to, or at least my original point before I became mired in all this inner dialogue, it that if I can find a legit online program then it would serve my interests at the moment, because I don't really have the time or the flexibility to take 'traditional' classes. Working full time doesn't allow me the flexibility that working part time did, but I can't afford not to be full time. It's the catch 22 of life really.

For now I'll continue to look into the whole online degree thing. Do you know anyone that's ever completed a degree online? What did they have to say about it?

I'll talk to you soon.

A Change in Plans

The plans that God has for us don’t always match up with those that we had for ourselves. Had you asked me a year ago where I expected to be today, that answer would be quite different from my present reality. This time a year ago I had just gotten into Michigan State University. I had transferred there from Washtenaw Community College with the intent to pursue a Bachelor’s degree in Journalism.

I wanted to be a writer. It was a plan that made a lot of sense. After all, MSU has a wonderful J-school. But the more I consider that career choice, the more I feel that it was solely my plan and not necessarily God’s plan. Yes, I was pursuing Journalism with the intention to help people, but how far can words go in helping people?

I have always believed that words carry a lot of power, and I continue to believe that. But I don’t feel that my true passions lie in putting words down on paper like I may have once thought. While I enjoy writing, and I could probably be suitably happy writing for the rest of my life, I don’t think that it would ultimately satisfy my passion for helping people.

I feel that being an EMT allows me to be instrumental in helping those that are in crisis.

I realize that writer and EMT are drastically different career paths, but… it’s where I feel like I need to be. It’s where I feel called to be. I have a broad idea of what my future has in store for me, but I think that’s all we can have. A broad idea.

It’s best to live in the present, be cognizant of the role the past has played and to be open to what the future has in store. At the present this is where I am. I am grateful for the experiences that now reside in my past, and I am remaining open to what each new day has to offer me.

J-School Application

I need to describe in five-hundred words why I want to major in journalism, for my application to enter the School of Journalism here at MSU. Somehow I think that a "just because" response isn't going to cut it. Thankfully, it's made slightly less vague because it also asks about my career goals.

I take this to mean that I am being asked what area of the field I want to enter into, and how I want to make my time there count. Considering I haven't written anything yet, and the application is due by November first, it would probably be a good idea to get my ideas organized.

I mean, really what spurred me into choosing Journalism in the first place was finding an enjoyment in writing. I like to write, and supposedly it's something I'm good at, so it seems like the natural direction to go in.

I guess some of the stress that I'm feeling at the moment stems from the fact that I find the whole application process a little intimidating. What do I do if I'm not accepted into the major? I have no idea what my next step would be. Transferring schools is such a strange thing, because now all of a sudden it feels like I'm so close to being done and that's kind of scary.

The future is a little daunting at the moment quite frankly.

Future Looming

Tomorrow I have to e-mail the sources that I want to use for my first article in my JRN 200 class. Writing this article has me a little freaked out, but I think it's only because it's the first article I have ever written.

Tomorrow in class I get to find out how I did on the practice article assignment. I really hope I didn't have any fatals on that one. I don't think I did, I mean I checked it over pretty good but I could have missed something. I really hope I didn't screw that one up!

I have a feeling that once I get through this JRN class I'll feel more comfortable. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling really nervous about my major, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I'm really not so very far away from a Bachelors degree. I mean, this month I apply to the school of Journalism and next month I'll be a junior. It feels like things are suddenly moving very fast and it's the natural inclination to want to put the breaks on.

I'm excited about the future but at the same time it's a prospect that's a little scary as well...

Outrunning Yourself

One of my favorite parts of a work day is the drive there/home. It is my moment of solitude and time to myself. Of course too much time spent in solitude isn't necessarily a good thing either, which is why more often than not when on my own I turn up the radio load enough to drown out my own thoughts, and have most of the windows open.

I like it when the wind whips through my hair and the sun streams through the open windows. The best time to drive is on sunny days when the sky is blue and marked by big puffy clouds.

The thing is though, we can't outrun ourselves.

Despite the fact that we may at times wish to escape particular thoughts, or past actions, or situations it's just not possible. Our past shapes who we are in the future, and is something that we have to acknowledge in order to move forward. We have to accept our composite parts, and in order to do that it is first necessary to cease in desist in running from the various facets of what makes us who we are.

I'm not completely sure where I am going with any of this. In fact, I feel like I'm rambling which is all together very likely.

Facing Frustration

Yesterday was a rough day, and though I would like to say I'm over it I'm afraid that isn't going to be true for a few years now. At any rate, things seem to be coming together, and hopefully that is a trend that continues.

The bulk of my problem at this point, is that I am very independent. It's difficult for me to bring myself to ask others for help, because that seems to hint at some measure of weakness and I can't abide being perceived as weak. When my ability to rely on myself comes into question, I grow frustrated.

I've worked hard to build my reputation over the course of my life. I worked hard to do well in high school, and later at WCC. I earned those grades, and I worked my ass off to pay my way through those two years of school. It frustrates me that all of that doesn't seem to mean anything when it comes to funding further education. I feel like I've more than earned my place, and yet at times it's as though it is thoroughly unreachable.

I've been assured that everything will work out. I've said myself that failure is not an option here; yet these affirmations to nothing to assuage the doubt that continues to linger in the back of my mind...

Sleepless

While it may be incredibly early it is in fact Monday morning, and since sleep seems to be illusive at the moment there is no reason for my not to blog. It's annoying when you are tired enough that you cannot bring yourself to focus on any one thing and yet you cannot find sleep either. I would love to sleep, but it seems impossible for the moment.

My mind is abuzz with chatter, and I wish there were some switch that I could flip so that it might stop. The house is silent aside from the gentle murmur of my ceiling fan. (Why this is relevant, I'm not sure.)

This weekend was inconsequential as weekends go. Today I narrowly avoided the monotony that work has become. Thankfully I managed to retain my day off. Therefore I spent much of the day taking a look at a 'novel' that I began writing several years ago now. It definitely needs some polishing up and plot revision in general. I gave the first chapter a well deserved make over today. Perhaps as I get it cleaned up further I'll post some excerpts of it here.

I find that as time passes I long for and dread the coming of August in equal measure. There are so many pros and cons to the passage of time. While on the one hand it promises to relieve from me the burden of my present stress, it presents a whole new realm of stress to delve into. Why can nothing ever be simple? Why is it so impossible for us each to understand the pressure that we inflict upon others with our expectations and actions?

Much later today I will go to work. I am merely stating a fact here, as I cannot yet ascertain whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. There are only so many things which I am certain of. The first is that I am ready for change, and the second is that despite how much I seek change it is tempting for so many things to remain the same.

Disappearance

It is possible to embrace change, in the same instance in which you feel your own doubts raining down on you. I can’t blame anyone for making me feel any particular way… sometimes it’s hard to know when it is appropriate to behave selfishly. In the moments that I am being honest with myself I know that the direction I am moving in is the right one, and yet there is the doubt, the uncertainty, and the knowledge of the things that I will leave behind.

There are those that wish for things to remain as they are, they fear the coming changes to the status quo. I understand that, truly I do… and yet that fear drags at me like a weight. I feel as though I am sinking under its pressure.

I want to be able to reassure everyone that everything will play out as it ought. I am not truly leaving, just initiating a short migration. There are those who deem the incumbent changes as my disappearance and I don’t know how to combat that idea. How can I confirm that is not the plan?

I suppose it’s just another matter in which time must run its course. There is no way to prove the happenings of the future except to live through the present and actually reach and then live those future days. This isn’t as reassuring a thought as it is intended to be, or perhaps it’s not intended to reassure. Perhaps this is merely an irrefutable fact, meant only to be true and not to be construed as either good or bad.

It seems to be a solid truth that where there is any amount of certainty there must also exist an equal or greater dose of uncertainty.

Attitudes and Moronic Behavior

My potentially irate customer came in today. Thankfully I had everything all set so that there wasn’t any hassle, and when I wasn’t certain about something I pretended to be. That’s all any of us really do anyway, pretend to be completely on top of things even though we are fully aware of how much we aren’t aware of. He was slightly shorter than me; obviously this explains his attitude problem…

The drive in to work this morning was absolutely beautiful. The drive home on the other hand left something to be desired, it was grimly raining.

Skipping right along, I saw three MORONS today. I was driving home and was nearly here when two of the three ran across the five lane road without paying any regard to the cars that were using it. Not only did they dart across the road without paying even the slightest caution, but it was raining and fairly dark even though it wasn’t that late in the evening.

Several cars were most definitely fairly close to hitting them, though thankfully there was no accident as a result of their utter stupidity. I didn’t see the third kid cross the street, though they were all obviously together because once I managed home and had parked in my driveway I saw the little hoodlums come over the fence.

It was the most ridiculous, and stupid thing that I’ve seen in a while. These kids were old enough to know better to. If these are the individuals of the future, then it’s a scary future to imagine.

Cryptic Thoughts

Adolescence is a hard stage to pass through. It is a time filled with uncertainty and yearning. You have a sense of the world around you, and yet you remain certain that everything is focused towards you. It’s natural to be a little narcissistic at this age. After all, all versions of abnormal behavior have some root in what may be considered normal behavior.

I learned some things yesterday that I guess I hadn’t previously realized.

There are so many things I don’t like about that sentence above… The thing is, I like to be in control, and when I feel helpless it’s an unacceptable feeling. I don’t exactly think that I’m helpless in this situation… but do I dare take the risk to reach out? Do I dare not to?

Looking at the situation in those terms I don’t think I can afford to abide by the label that I know I have managed to earn. I can’t keep my silence and pray that someone else will swoop in and do my job for me. I put a lot of energy into worrying, and I need to fuel that energy elsewhere.

I spent last night reading through an old journal that I kept from my freshman year until my junior year of high school. There was a distinct pattern in content as I read. I was consumed by a great deal of anger in the early years of that journal. However, looking back at those pages now I can sense a little more how much that anger was fueled by frustration…

Like I said adolescence is not an easy stage to pass through. I think I have some idea of how someone close to me is feeling, and I think I can help but it means being very open about how I felt than. I’m afraid of doing more harm than good, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t do something that… I’m afraid if I don’t do something than the future may not bode well.

I understand that the situation is not fully my fault, but I was a player. Maybe at times I felt like the pawn, but the thing that maybe I didn’t understand then as clearly as I understand now, is that no one makes you feel things. We chart our own courses, we choose how we feel and we choose how we deal.

I’ve made some mistakes, but so to have we all. Now I have only to hope that my mistakes of the past may atone for the future that they have helped to create and to perhaps yield a new future that doesn’t seem quite so awful.

Paving the Path

It’s been a hectic last few days drenched in uncertainty. Sometimes it seems like the world has been turned on its head, and everything that I once believed to be true, quite frankly, isn’t.

Why? Why, oh why, oh why?

The next few days and weeks and months are going to be rough. It’s going to be hard to want to move, to breathe to keep on keeping on. But that’s the thing, these things will need to be done and they will be. Sometimes it’s only when you don’t believe in your strength to fight the fight, that you are able to find it.

Strength hides and bides it’s time, waiting for that moment when it is most needed. This is a moment for strength. These coming days, and weeks and months will be the time to draw on that strength that has been hiding.

It’s time to stand up, to use that silent voice and pave a new path into the future.

Runaway

Sometimes things would be so much easier to understand if the motivations of the people around you were clearer. My niece ran away today. My sister’s incredibly worried, as are the rest of us. It’s this indescribable tension that’s unshakeable. Scenario’s run through your head at their own will and it’s a slideshow you wish you could shake.

Why would she do this?

Of course there are catalysts that have led to this point, but what really leads a person to believe that running will make it all better? How can leaving undo what has already been done?

Growing up is a struggle. I’m aware of that. It’s hard to adjust to the demands that are often set upon you when faced with the middle ground that is teenage life. You’re expected to act like an adult and assume responsibility and yet this concept is counteracted by the constant reminder of your youth.

I should have been a better Aunt. I shouldn’t have been so self-fish. I should have lived up to my responsibility better. I need to try harder in the future to be the Aunt that I haven’t been in the past.

Self Reflection

Sometimes it’s easier to ponder the future rather than to be constantly aware of the present; though for the most part this results in a great deal of distraction. I feel distracted and disorganized, and where the future seemed so clear even weeks ago, is today muddled in a thick sheen of uncertainly.

I feel like this is growing into a common theme, and has perhaps always been my common theme.

It’s easy for those surrounding you to think that you’re completely held together. I am frequently astounded when those around me offer me a glimpse of the person they see when they look at me. Most of the time I don’t feel like I hold to those expectations very well; I feel far more fallible than people seem to give me credit for.

This is something that we are all prone to doing though. We like to shove people into particular boxes, categorize the way that they act in order to build up a schema of how they are supposed to act. Deviance from this schema is always unexpected…

Are we ever solidly one person? Do we ever reflect a true self?

To ask one of my co-workers who I am, would most likely result in a response that labeled me dependable, quiet, and relaxed. They would not label me as an aggressive person, they wouldn’t consider me someone willing to push boundaries or fight for something.

On the other hand, my closest family would more than likely agree that I’m fairly quiet and quite dependable, the last count would find them wavering. They know my struggles with temper, and they know that I’m willing to speak up when I need to. When I have an opinion, they know how passionately I can express that opinion.

While there are similarities between these reflections, there are stark contrasts, and those contrasts lead me to question how well we can really know any one person. How well can we even know ourselves?

Volunteer, Get Involved

I used to volunteer all the time when I was in high school and a member of the National Honor Society. Prior to my involvement with that group, I went on mission trips with the church that I attended up until my freshman year of high school.

My point here is that I used to volunteer all of the time, and it’s something that I miss. The thing about volunteering is that it is something that you can do for other people, and therefore put them before one’s self. Sometimes it’s important to take a step back from your own thoughts and the situations that are nagging at you and give back to the community.

It’s easy to get caught up in our troubles, and fears, and worries to the point that they consume us. Volunteering is a way to divert this energy and take a moment to think about people and situation beyond one’s self.

My goal this summer is going to be to look for more opportunities to volunteer and regain some of that perspective that I feel as though I have lost in the last two years. I need to stop worrying so much about what the future holds and take a moment to consider the present.

Broken Plans, Looking Forward

My goal for the week is to actually manage to post each day so that I don’t have to remember to post on the weekend. Thankfully this week is a little less crazy than last week. Yay!

I went and got my hair cut today. It’s slightly shorter than I was planning… but it’ll grow back out so whatever. I’m still a little stressed out about the prospect of not transferring when I was originally planning, assuming I get in, but I’m trying to take a step back from the situation. What’s done is done and I just need to keep pushing forward.

Ultimately things will work out the way they need to and maybe I’ll be better off for it. I hope so anyway…

Excitement

I took my car in to get the heater looked at. Thankfully it didn’t cost anything for them to look at it and correct the problem since the part was under warranty. It is wonderful to have heat once again.

It was midnight before I got to sleep last night, and then I woke up this morning at five. I was wide awake, at five in the morning. How utterly annoying! But I had to be up and out of the house by six-thirty anyway, so I guess it was fine aside from the complete lack of sleep.

Despite the sleep deprivation though, I managed to go to an interview today and I think it went well. I won’t know for sure until Monday whether or not I got the job but I’m stoked anyway. She told me that out of three-hundred applications she’s narrowed it down to nine, and I am one of those nine.

Better than that though, I let her know that I plan to transfer to MSU in the fall, assuming that I’m accepted, and she said that wasn’t a problem. In fact, if I get hired in it is a real possibility that I can transfer up to their store near the campus as long as they have a position open in that store. That would be fantastic.

I’m excited, but I haven’t mentioned anything at work yet. I want to know whether or not I’ve gotten the job before I say anything. No need to get everyone in a tizzy until I know there’s any news to tell.

Personality Trait

“What aspect of your personality is strongest and least likely to change as you get older?”

I tend to commit to situations and people one-hundred and ten percent, it’s the way that I’ve always been and the way that I’ll probably always be. Whenever I give my word that something will get done I make certain that I follow through with that promise. I like to fulfill what I see as my obligations to other people.


Sometimes this results in my placing more responsibility on my own shoulders than I need to. It also more than occasionally results a lot of self-sacrifice. But for the most part this is something I can accept. It is more acceptable to me that I be inconvenienced by own decisions than someone else be.

If I say that I will be somewhere, or bring something, or do something than I ensure that it happens. In cases where I can’t be the one to complete the task I find a way for it to happen. It’s important to me that I’m seen as reliable. I like to know that other people are aware that I am someone that they can count on.

I’m certain that this is something that will always be true, and if it isn’t than I’d be sorely disappointed.

Building Bridges

Over the weekend I finished reading “Envy” by Anna Godbersen, and I really enjoyed it. There was one line in particular that has kind of stuck with me. It was an aside by the narrator attributed to the character Elizabeth, “It would have been difficult for her to say with certainty who she was anymore”.

This is an interesting observation to me because I believe for most of us, at various stages in our lives this idea holds true. I know it holds true for me, because I’m not always certain who I am in the greater scheme of things. I most certainly am not always certain of the person that I have become or see myself becoming.

Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the present with the expectations of the future that I previously held. I remember a time when I was certain that graduating from High School would mean an end to days where I would wake up wishing for the future to be closer at hand. I told myself that it was end of waking up in the morning and knowing I had go somewhere that I had no desire to go.

And yet, there are times when I feel certain that I have put myself in that same situation once again. I find myself cornered by my own desire to build a future where this feeling may be extinguished.

It’s frustrating to be aware of where you stand and equally certain of where you want to go. It’s the connection between the two that seems unfathomable. The second seems unattainable by virtue of the un-bridged gap that exists between them.

I am in the process of building that bridge. It is a slow, painstaking process.