Home Stretch

The semester is almost over, and that makes me anxious. I am anxious for Christmas break because it means some time at home with my family, and especially my nieces, I get to go back to work and see everyone there, I have some plans in the works with some of my awesome friends, and I'll finally have a GPA.

I'm stoked!

Of course being anxious for the end of the semester means that I'm not really interested in class at the moment, so I have to work twice as hard to get my focus where it needs to be. It's a tough balance sometimes. But I don't think I need to worry too much at this point. I feel like I have myself set up to come out of the semester with a very strong GPA.

I even think that I may be able to break away from the perception that they tried to drill into our heads at orientation this summer. They were really adamant about the fact that most transfer students come in and don't do as well as they expect to in comparison to where they were going before. I would love to be able to say that I transfered in and beat those low expectations.

I'm ninety percent sure that I've set myself up to do just that, and that makes me excited!

Self Reflection

Sometimes it’s easier to ponder the future rather than to be constantly aware of the present; though for the most part this results in a great deal of distraction. I feel distracted and disorganized, and where the future seemed so clear even weeks ago, is today muddled in a thick sheen of uncertainly.

I feel like this is growing into a common theme, and has perhaps always been my common theme.

It’s easy for those surrounding you to think that you’re completely held together. I am frequently astounded when those around me offer me a glimpse of the person they see when they look at me. Most of the time I don’t feel like I hold to those expectations very well; I feel far more fallible than people seem to give me credit for.

This is something that we are all prone to doing though. We like to shove people into particular boxes, categorize the way that they act in order to build up a schema of how they are supposed to act. Deviance from this schema is always unexpected…

Are we ever solidly one person? Do we ever reflect a true self?

To ask one of my co-workers who I am, would most likely result in a response that labeled me dependable, quiet, and relaxed. They would not label me as an aggressive person, they wouldn’t consider me someone willing to push boundaries or fight for something.

On the other hand, my closest family would more than likely agree that I’m fairly quiet and quite dependable, the last count would find them wavering. They know my struggles with temper, and they know that I’m willing to speak up when I need to. When I have an opinion, they know how passionately I can express that opinion.

While there are similarities between these reflections, there are stark contrasts, and those contrasts lead me to question how well we can really know any one person. How well can we even know ourselves?

Failure and Defeat

“How do you typically react to failure or defeat?”

The bottom line is that no one ever truly seeks to fail at anything, even though we are all aware of the importance of failure in the equation that equals success. In order to find success one must be willing to risk, and face failures. It is also true that we may often feel like a failure and yet in actuality not be. Our own expectations may often serve as our undoing.


But the question was how I typically react to failure. I’d love to say that I take it in stride, but I know that’s not an honest answer. I tend to be able to work through it, but it depends on how
I’ve perceived myself to have failed. How committed I was to the project prior to the failure makes a world of difference.

In general, I’ve been known to revert back into myself following a failure. I remember that my freshman year of high school was particularly trying. Looking back on it now I’m aware that I was never truly in any danger of failing, but I was afraid of the distinct possibility.

I can remember one morning in early February of that school year. I woke up that morning after only a couple hours of sleep in tears. I was convinced that the paper I had been up all night writing was awful and therefore what was the point of any of it. My mind at that point was already set on a future years away. It was ingrained in my mind that success was paramount.

That morning I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldn’t stop the tears, and I couldn’t coherently describe their cause. I recall my parents telling me I needed to stay home and take the day off, and I weakly argued against it. In my mind I need to go, I needed to be there. It was important, and yet I knew just as well as my parents did that I couldn’t go that day.

That was the say that I was crushed by my fear of even the idea of impending failure. I don’t respond well to failure, though I tend to save my meltdowns for those moments that I am alone. When surrounded by others I am more likely to become even more closed off or even play it off as being no big deal. I tend to over think things, and especially when I perceive myself to have failed.

Beyond these simple facts though is the truth that I failed to post yesterday, and therefore I will be making two posts this weekend.