Sunday, May 03, 2009

Cryptic Thoughts

Adolescence is a hard stage to pass through. It is a time filled with uncertainty and yearning. You have a sense of the world around you, and yet you remain certain that everything is focused towards you. It’s natural to be a little narcissistic at this age. After all, all versions of abnormal behavior have some root in what may be considered normal behavior.

I learned some things yesterday that I guess I hadn’t previously realized.

There are so many things I don’t like about that sentence above… The thing is, I like to be in control, and when I feel helpless it’s an unacceptable feeling. I don’t exactly think that I’m helpless in this situation… but do I dare take the risk to reach out? Do I dare not to?

Looking at the situation in those terms I don’t think I can afford to abide by the label that I know I have managed to earn. I can’t keep my silence and pray that someone else will swoop in and do my job for me. I put a lot of energy into worrying, and I need to fuel that energy elsewhere.

I spent last night reading through an old journal that I kept from my freshman year until my junior year of high school. There was a distinct pattern in content as I read. I was consumed by a great deal of anger in the early years of that journal. However, looking back at those pages now I can sense a little more how much that anger was fueled by frustration…

Like I said adolescence is not an easy stage to pass through. I think I have some idea of how someone close to me is feeling, and I think I can help but it means being very open about how I felt than. I’m afraid of doing more harm than good, but I’m also afraid that if I don’t do something that… I’m afraid if I don’t do something than the future may not bode well.

I understand that the situation is not fully my fault, but I was a player. Maybe at times I felt like the pawn, but the thing that maybe I didn’t understand then as clearly as I understand now, is that no one makes you feel things. We chart our own courses, we choose how we feel and we choose how we deal.

I’ve made some mistakes, but so to have we all. Now I have only to hope that my mistakes of the past may atone for the future that they have helped to create and to perhaps yield a new future that doesn’t seem quite so awful.

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