Skillz

“What are some new skills you would like to take the time to acquire?”

I would love to know how to knit, or crochet even. I would be so much easier to knit or crochet a scarf because then it would be made the way I want and the color I want. I probably wouldn’t be so ambitious as to attempt a blanket or anything. I’m not that patient. But yeah, it’d be cool as hobby.

I would also love to learn how to play the piano, or at least the keyboard I own but cannot play. While I may be able to read sheet music, which seems to be half the battle, I have trouble making sense of which keys are what notes. You would think it’s not entirely too different from playing the flute, but it seems to be. Someday this is an endeavor that I will take up.

I remember several years ago I wanted to learn to roller blade. Although, I’m certain this is a bad idea because I am clumsy enough with two feet solidly on the ground. There is no need for me to go about nearly ensuring that I break a leg.

The only other thing that I wish I was more skilled at is making small talk. I am not very good at the whole social thing. I often find that I don’t know what to say in social situations, which makes it difficult to meet and bond with new people. I would love to be able to make conversation more easily than I do now. It’s something that I need to work at, though I like to delude myself into believing that having a job has helped me a little bit in this area.

Personality Trait

“What aspect of your personality is strongest and least likely to change as you get older?”

I tend to commit to situations and people one-hundred and ten percent, it’s the way that I’ve always been and the way that I’ll probably always be. Whenever I give my word that something will get done I make certain that I follow through with that promise. I like to fulfill what I see as my obligations to other people.


Sometimes this results in my placing more responsibility on my own shoulders than I need to. It also more than occasionally results a lot of self-sacrifice. But for the most part this is something I can accept. It is more acceptable to me that I be inconvenienced by own decisions than someone else be.

If I say that I will be somewhere, or bring something, or do something than I ensure that it happens. In cases where I can’t be the one to complete the task I find a way for it to happen. It’s important to me that I’m seen as reliable. I like to know that other people are aware that I am someone that they can count on.

I’m certain that this is something that will always be true, and if it isn’t than I’d be sorely disappointed.

Failure and Defeat

“How do you typically react to failure or defeat?”

The bottom line is that no one ever truly seeks to fail at anything, even though we are all aware of the importance of failure in the equation that equals success. In order to find success one must be willing to risk, and face failures. It is also true that we may often feel like a failure and yet in actuality not be. Our own expectations may often serve as our undoing.


But the question was how I typically react to failure. I’d love to say that I take it in stride, but I know that’s not an honest answer. I tend to be able to work through it, but it depends on how
I’ve perceived myself to have failed. How committed I was to the project prior to the failure makes a world of difference.

In general, I’ve been known to revert back into myself following a failure. I remember that my freshman year of high school was particularly trying. Looking back on it now I’m aware that I was never truly in any danger of failing, but I was afraid of the distinct possibility.

I can remember one morning in early February of that school year. I woke up that morning after only a couple hours of sleep in tears. I was convinced that the paper I had been up all night writing was awful and therefore what was the point of any of it. My mind at that point was already set on a future years away. It was ingrained in my mind that success was paramount.

That morning I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldn’t stop the tears, and I couldn’t coherently describe their cause. I recall my parents telling me I needed to stay home and take the day off, and I weakly argued against it. In my mind I need to go, I needed to be there. It was important, and yet I knew just as well as my parents did that I couldn’t go that day.

That was the say that I was crushed by my fear of even the idea of impending failure. I don’t respond well to failure, though I tend to save my meltdowns for those moments that I am alone. When surrounded by others I am more likely to become even more closed off or even play it off as being no big deal. I tend to over think things, and especially when I perceive myself to have failed.

Beyond these simple facts though is the truth that I failed to post yesterday, and therefore I will be making two posts this weekend.

Building Bridges

Over the weekend I finished reading “Envy” by Anna Godbersen, and I really enjoyed it. There was one line in particular that has kind of stuck with me. It was an aside by the narrator attributed to the character Elizabeth, “It would have been difficult for her to say with certainty who she was anymore”.

This is an interesting observation to me because I believe for most of us, at various stages in our lives this idea holds true. I know it holds true for me, because I’m not always certain who I am in the greater scheme of things. I most certainly am not always certain of the person that I have become or see myself becoming.

Sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile the present with the expectations of the future that I previously held. I remember a time when I was certain that graduating from High School would mean an end to days where I would wake up wishing for the future to be closer at hand. I told myself that it was end of waking up in the morning and knowing I had go somewhere that I had no desire to go.

And yet, there are times when I feel certain that I have put myself in that same situation once again. I find myself cornered by my own desire to build a future where this feeling may be extinguished.

It’s frustrating to be aware of where you stand and equally certain of where you want to go. It’s the connection between the two that seems unfathomable. The second seems unattainable by virtue of the un-bridged gap that exists between them.

I am in the process of building that bridge. It is a slow, painstaking process.

Lazy Friday

It’s Friday! It’s Friday and I’ve managed to finally complete and send off my philosophy exam and now all that remains for me to do is finish my Psychology reading and then I am free. Blissfully free for an entire week from school stress at least.

I started reading “Envy” last night, well technically early this morning… It’s the third book in
“The Luxe” series, I’m one-hundred pages in and hooked. I anticipate finishing it today so maybe Monday I’ll talk about it… or write a review for my other blog, that would be a good idea come to think about it.

I feel like I should have more to say with this post, but I really don’t. Not much has gone on today, except for homework and thankfully the lack of having to go to work.

Spring Perspective

I need to stop making plans. I planned to come home from work tonight and complete my Philosophy Exam and completely failed in that effort.

“Pride and Prejudice” fan fiction is just so much more tempting… obviously.

It was snowing earlier, I don’t know if it still is, but it was. I hate snow. Despite having a winter birthday, I still can’t stand winter. In fact, the only justification for January at all is my birthday in my highly accurate opinion. I am much more partial to spring.

Many people would flock to summer because it’s warm and generally there is some sense of a lack of obligation. (Unless of course, you work in retail…) Others would say they are partial to fall because it’s so pretty when the leaves change colors. They are fascinated by the gradual demise of summer into winter. A few crazies think winter has some merit. ;p

I however, really enjoy spring. Spring marks the re-birth of warm weather and brilliant sunny days. Spring ushers in new beginnings and fresh starts. I’m looking forward to this spring. Though for the most part I am enjoying my classes, I’m ready for a break. I’m ready to breathe again.

This summer will be the first time since starting college last fall that I won’t be taking classes, and by this spring I should have some idea of what this fall will bring. This spring I will know, I will some idea of the future and it will be welcome perspective.

Almost Spring Break

Technically spring break doesn’t start until next week, but today was my last round of classes until March, so I think it’s safe to say that as far as I’m concerned spring break has started. Now all I need to do is finish up my philosophy exam and some psychology reading and I won’t have think about school for a week.

I don’t exactly get the whole week to myself, what with work and everything, but it’d be nice to see the stress levels diminish even a smidgen.

What I’m really looking forward to is getting in some reading. I haven’t been able to do much reading aside from school assignments and so the prospect is really exciting. My pile of unread books is RIDICULOUS. Then of course I want to re-read The Immortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare before the third one comes out in March. I’ve been waiting for that book to come out since March of last year. That series is absolutely fantastic.

It’s also exciting that I’m getting that much closer to potentially hearing back from MSU. By my figures I’m likely to hear back from them near the end of March or the beginning of April. Although, we all know how reliable school tend to be…

Focus Failure

All I want to do is sleep, but I failed to work on my psych. homework before going to work this afternoon and now I’m stuck trying to concentrate on completing it. Concentrate is the key word in that sentence, and at the moment it seems impossible… so I’m turning to blogging instead.

The first thing on my list to finish is my article summary on hypochondria. It’s a relatively simple assignment, but it takes some amount of focus. Focus. The second things on my list are the two take home test questions, again not anything difficult.

Now if only I could bring myself to concentrate on the task at hand…

Treasure Troves

Used bookstores are treasure troves. Bookstores in general are amazing, but there is just something spectacular about used bookstores. They afford the perfect opportunity to stumble across new authors because you never know what you may find. The way that they shelve books often means that titles that wouldn’t usually be shelved together are.

If it weren’t for a used bookstore, I may never have come across Wally Lamb’s “I Know This Much To Be True”. I read it at least a year ago and yet the story still resonates and remains clear in my mind.

I really love this local used bookstore known as The Book Abbey. The shelves there are literally bursting with books. They’ve got this awesome credit program, and they have a punch card system set up so that once you fill the card you get three free books.

So recently I earned three free books and I got two of them today. They both sound really good, though I doubt I’ll get the chance to read them right away. My ‘to read’ pile is seriously huge. I can’t wait for spring break next week, I have some serious reading to do.

To Plan, Or Not To Plan

So since today didn’t go as planned… I’m thinking tomorrow will be my best bet for getting caught up. The goal is to not have to think about school next week during spring break. That’s the goal at any rate.

I’m hoping to get my math test back tomorrow. I think it went really well… but then of course sometimes thinking that can backfire. I’ve got my fingers crossed!

Tomorrow I also have to work on writing my article summary for Abnormal, it’s on hypochondria and though I tried to read through the article tonight I can’t bring myself to focus on it. Hopefully I’ll have more luck doing so tomorrow afternoon.

I plan to be organized and efficient, but then again after today maybe I should learn that in general it’s not a good idea to make plans.

Compounded Stress

Today did not go as planned. I thought I had the whole day to do homework, and write up my blog posts and just relax in general… Wrong on all counts. I got called into work and it was an all around cruddy day.

No one seemed to be clear on whether I actually needed to be there or not, or on when I was actually leaving, OR on who was going to give me my one allotted break. As it turned out I had to give myself a break, the other two issues were never really resolved but I made sure I was out of there by five.

What is so hard, first of all, about simple communication? Second of all, what is the deal with no one seeming to be capable of working when they are supposed to? It’s like they’ve got my number on speed dial over there. You don’t want to work? Well don’t worry, call Sandy, she’ll fix all your problems.

I need a break; I need a mental health day. What I really need is to breathe, just breathe.

Obadiah Parker

I recently started listening to Obadiah Parker again; recently as in on the way to work yesterday, and on the way home in wee hours of this morning. He falls into the category of folk/soul and I absolutely adore his voice.

When he sings he’s committed to the song, it’s not merely a recitation of words on a page but rather swelling emotion. He sings a cover of Outkast’s “Hey Ya”, and it sounds like a completely different song. He slows it down and removes the overzealous beat.

Each of his songs invokes this sense of yearning that is inescapable. The melodies are enchanting. “Kimberlina” is a great example. The lyrics alone are pure poetry:

I met her below Yosemite, just south of the sky
At the foot of a piano, just before we said goodbye
I would live my life between the desert and the pine
If I could drive forever down Highway 99

From Kimberlina, California
Fourteen hours to Marion, Virginia

Chasing a fire on the horizon that burns above my home
Watching dawn ignite around me, I’m alive in the gloam
I would live my life between the sugar and the pine
If I could drive forever down Highway 99

From Kimberlina, California
Fourteen hours to same old Arizona
Kimberlina I wish that I’d not left her so quickly

On a side note, I obviously failed to post yesterday. There are myriad of excuses that I could use, but I’ll have none of them. Expect two posts on Sunday.

Nothing Much to Say

I haven’t had the time recently to read for pleasure. I want to change that this weekend, but first I have some homework to catch up on. Thankfully I got all of my online work done for the week, but I also want to work on some of next week’s material as well. The goal is not to have to worry about anything school related over spring break. We’ll see if I can manage it.

By Friday night I should have all the loose ends tide up. Of course, it doesn’t help matters that I agreed to work a twelve hour shift tomorrow. It’s hard to refuse the hours, and how hard can it really be? I’m sure I’ll think differently come midnight tomorrow, but hopefully not.

All day I thought about sitting down and writing this, and now that I’ve finally taken the time to sit down and go about doing so, I have nothing to say. Or at least, nothing that I can think of that is important enough to say. It’s amazing how blank your mind can go when faced with a mockingly blank screen.

I’m also thinking that I want to devote my spring break to writing more short stories. Maybe I’ll post some of that on here…

Concentration Failure

If I could find the will power to concentrate for even a very few minutes, it would be a miracle.

My mind finds itself in too many places, trying to consider and go over too many scenarios. I find conflicts between the time that I need to devote to school and the time that I need to devote to work. While each has claims on my time, neither is possible without the other.

I take that back, work is possible without school, but school is the major fuel behind the need of the job. It’s difficult to be at ease when so many things are uncertain….

Close Call

I nearly managed to forget to post yet again. Not a good habit to get into. Anyway, for philosophy I had to watch a movie called Memento. It was… interesting. While I understand the basic premise of it however, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the movie as a whole.

Tomorrow morning I get to go to work, and hopefully can get all of my studying for math done during breaks so that I have enough time when I get home to finish my philosophy reading. While I like reading, I didn’t realize how reading intensive this semester would be when I signed up for classes.

Until tomorrow friends… :D

Darcy's Watching

Darcy likes to hang around with me when I use my computer. She likes to watch the mouse glide across the screen, and becomes transfixed when the page is scrolled up and down. She really enjoys watching as words take shape on the screen. At the moment she’s watching as I type.

As ever today was rather uneventful. I got up, went to work, came home and evaded homework than spent some quality family time down at the local bowling alley where my Uncle, Cousin and Older brother are on a league. It was a fun night out, but it also means than now I get to evade

sleep in favor of tackling the homework that I didn’t do earlier.

Fun stuff.

Today is my parents twenty-first anniversary. Stacey was amazed that it had been that long already, not that he should have been so surprised considering I’m twenty. Tomorrow my sister turns thirty-six, and I have to work. So on that note, it’s time to bite the bullet and concentrate on some Shakespeare. Oh, what have I gotten myself into…

Bearing Witness

I own this documentary that I’m particularly fond of called, “Bearing Witness “. It follows four female war correspondents who recount their careers to that date. They also talk about what drove them to lives they lead and why they continue to honor the paths that they have chosen.

At one point in the documentary one of the women talks about the role of journalists in general. I need to watch it again because I can’t seem to recall the quote fully, but I remember the gist of it. Journalism, she points out, is about being there and bearing witness. It’s about being a voice willing to speak out, and fighting to be heard in the place of those who stand voiceless.

Sometimes I lose track of what my ultimate goal is. Sometimes the stress that comes coupled with paying for school, and finding the time to study as well as work is so overwhelming that my path’s purpose becomes hazy.

I want to be a journalist because I want to be that voice for those who find they have none. My dad once saw me watching that documentary and he wasn’t too thrilled by the idea of his daughter in a war zone. I’m not saying that I want to go to war zones and report, but I am saying that I am prepared to follow my path where it may lead.

I want to be that journalist who isn’t afraid to pursue the truth, and speak the truth. I want to be a voice for the voiceless. Journalism is my major because I want to bear witness.

An Average Day

So I seem to be doing fairly well in the Into to Philosophy class that I’m taking online this semester… I mean grade wise. As far as how I am managing to do so, I have no idea. Quite honestly, for the most part, I have no idea what is going on in the class, and yet I seem to be passing. Therefore I am choosing to take it at face value, and not question it too much. If I can keep this up for the next few months it would be fantastic.

In other news, I put an application in at a local store. Hopefully I’ll get called back for an interview in the next few weeks. That would be awesome! Though turning in the application got me thinking about why I don’t enjoy the application and interview process.

For the most part, in order to secure a job you need to be good at promoting yourself. I am not particularly good at this. I can very easily pinpoint what I am not good at, but I often feel as though I’m not the best to judge what I am good at. But to some degree I think we’re all that way. It’s a common trait, being primarily aware of our faults and flaws.

I also managed to remedy my watch situation. Finally. It took me long enough, I know, but once a procrastinator always a procrastinator. I also think I did fairly well on the psychology test today. Hopefully I feel the same way next Wednesday after I take my first Algebra test. Though for the moment the semester is going by smoothly, and really that’s all I can ask for at the moment.

To Study... or not

I’m supposed to be studying for my Psych test. I told myself as I was grumbling about going to work this morning that I would come right home and study. I’ve been home for two hours and have yet to seek out my book. Truthfully I’m not too worried about it. It’s not physics or anything.

God, I wasted so much time studying for those physics tests… I’ll get over it, someday. :D

I might get some study time in yet tonight, but probably not. Of course, studying would be a more effective use of time than attempting to sleep. Lately the moment the lights are off and the house is quiet the ceiling becomes increasingly interesting. Sleep deprivation ftw!

I promise to try and be more interesting tomorrow. However, based on the current trend I would suggest not holding your breath on that count.

Wing's Castle

Over the weekend, Yahoo had a feature article on their page front about castles located in the United States. Many of them were really stunning, though I’ve found a favorite. It’s called Wing’s Castle and it’s located in Millbrook, NY. I think it’s gorgeous, though if you don’t believe me check it out…

Picture From: http://www.flickr.com/photos/neilgundel/1700860304/

On a completely unrelated note, today was relatively uneventful. It seemed that every time I found myself backing out of a parking space people saw fit to drive behind me. Really? I know my car isn’t huge, but it’s not invisible or anything. At least, not that I’m aware of; I could be wrong, but I’m fairly certain I’m not.