Paving the Path

It’s been a hectic last few days drenched in uncertainty. Sometimes it seems like the world has been turned on its head, and everything that I once believed to be true, quite frankly, isn’t.

Why? Why, oh why, oh why?

The next few days and weeks and months are going to be rough. It’s going to be hard to want to move, to breathe to keep on keeping on. But that’s the thing, these things will need to be done and they will be. Sometimes it’s only when you don’t believe in your strength to fight the fight, that you are able to find it.

Strength hides and bides it’s time, waiting for that moment when it is most needed. This is a moment for strength. These coming days, and weeks and months will be the time to draw on that strength that has been hiding.

It’s time to stand up, to use that silent voice and pave a new path into the future.

Heavy Thoughts

I am staggering in disbelief, drowning in disillusionment, and wishing to recapture a former clarity. I want to believe again in the world around me, but I’m not sure that’s possible. Can you go back, and do you even want to?

It’s like I’m staring heavenward from the bottom of the deepest well screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear. How did things get so out of control, why have we all allowed ourselves to be so blind that it would come to this?

My niece has been found, but it’s not over yet. Some choices have been made that I can’t agree with but she’s not my daughter and so I’m powerless to turn the tide as it stands. I want those who can, those who are responsible for correcting this monumental mistake to do what needs to be done. I want them to do what should have been done in the first place.

I want the chance to be the Aunt that I always should have been. I want the chance to wrap my arms around my niece and let her know that even though I’ve been remiss in saying that I love her. I love her unconditionally and I’m here. I want her to know that there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. I want her to be aware that there are options open to her even the world seems so desolate and blank. I want her realize that I’m in her corner, that I’ve always been in her corner.

I want that second chance and I’m praying that I get it.

Runaway

Sometimes things would be so much easier to understand if the motivations of the people around you were clearer. My niece ran away today. My sister’s incredibly worried, as are the rest of us. It’s this indescribable tension that’s unshakeable. Scenario’s run through your head at their own will and it’s a slideshow you wish you could shake.

Why would she do this?

Of course there are catalysts that have led to this point, but what really leads a person to believe that running will make it all better? How can leaving undo what has already been done?

Growing up is a struggle. I’m aware of that. It’s hard to adjust to the demands that are often set upon you when faced with the middle ground that is teenage life. You’re expected to act like an adult and assume responsibility and yet this concept is counteracted by the constant reminder of your youth.

I should have been a better Aunt. I shouldn’t have been so self-fish. I should have lived up to my responsibility better. I need to try harder in the future to be the Aunt that I haven’t been in the past.

Self Reflection

Sometimes it’s easier to ponder the future rather than to be constantly aware of the present; though for the most part this results in a great deal of distraction. I feel distracted and disorganized, and where the future seemed so clear even weeks ago, is today muddled in a thick sheen of uncertainly.

I feel like this is growing into a common theme, and has perhaps always been my common theme.

It’s easy for those surrounding you to think that you’re completely held together. I am frequently astounded when those around me offer me a glimpse of the person they see when they look at me. Most of the time I don’t feel like I hold to those expectations very well; I feel far more fallible than people seem to give me credit for.

This is something that we are all prone to doing though. We like to shove people into particular boxes, categorize the way that they act in order to build up a schema of how they are supposed to act. Deviance from this schema is always unexpected…

Are we ever solidly one person? Do we ever reflect a true self?

To ask one of my co-workers who I am, would most likely result in a response that labeled me dependable, quiet, and relaxed. They would not label me as an aggressive person, they wouldn’t consider me someone willing to push boundaries or fight for something.

On the other hand, my closest family would more than likely agree that I’m fairly quiet and quite dependable, the last count would find them wavering. They know my struggles with temper, and they know that I’m willing to speak up when I need to. When I have an opinion, they know how passionately I can express that opinion.

While there are similarities between these reflections, there are stark contrasts, and those contrasts lead me to question how well we can really know any one person. How well can we even know ourselves?

To Travel, To Remember

“What do you think is the best part of traveling—seeing new things, or coming home again?”

My favorite part of traveling is getting the opportunity to see new places. I can recall various mission trips to Oklahoma, the band trip to Florida and several trips to New York. On each of those trips I can remember enjoying the time spent on the road: sunshine streaming through the windows, conversation and light radio in the background, and beautiful scenery in the passing landscapes.

But the time spent in transit isn’t the only thing that I love about travel. The reservation that we stayed at in Oklahoma was beautiful. It was out in the country, surrounded by dirt roads. I can remember mornings getting up at sunrise and taking walks to the small town several miles out.

The great thing about Oklahoma was also getting the opportunity to work with the people there. The first year we worked to build a fence, and the next year a patio, while the third year we put on a vacation bible school for the local kids. Every year I was a part of the bell choir and banner team. It was an amazing experience.

That’s the thing about travel, it’s always an experience. It’s a chance to see and experience new things and to interact with new people. It’s the chance to grow, and learn and consider new possibilities.

Oklahoma sunrise.

Monotony

Today was a day such as any other day. It would have been beautiful outside had it not been so windy. The wind was awful and freezing. I’ve spent the last few days trying to track down the movie that I have to watch this week for philosophy. No one seems to have it… well Barnes and Noble might. That I have to find out tomorrow…

Once again I nearly didn’t get around to posting this. That wouldn’t have been good, I’d like to manage not to have to post on weekends for a while.

“City of Glass” came out today. My copy was in Louisville as of this evening. It’s not scheduled to get here until Friday, but I wouldn’t mind if it managed to get here sooner. I doubt that will happen, but who knows…

Alright, back to reading, and hopefully actually getting some sleep tonight.

The Anonymous Moron

It’s been an eventful weekend. I feel like I haven’t slept in days at this point. It didn’t help that I closed on Saturday and then had to be back to work at nine on Sunday morning for a meeting. Sleep sounds amazing at this point.

Anyway, at some point Saturday night some moron decided it would be a good idea to rifle through my car. Thank God I brought anything of value in the house the night before, and as it turns out they didn’t take anything. Though they left an obvious mess in the form of an open glove box and papers sprawled across the seats. They went through my car and both my parents cars, leaving a mess behind and all the doors ajar.

First of all, what kind of idiot leaves things in such a state that it is obvious they have messed with property that is quite obviously not theirs? Second of all, what is the point if you aren’t after something in the first place? Congratulations, you can break into a parked, unlocked car. Moron.

I imagine it’s the same anonymous moron that walked through our yard a couple days ago and apparently left their shoes behind because they got stuck in the mud. Why the hell would you, upon getting stuck in the mud, think that the solution to such a problem would be to then take off your shoes and walk through the said mud in bare feet.

Again, moron.

Goal Accomplished

Down to the wire, yet again; this seems to be becoming a trend no matter how hard I try to break it. However, it could be argued that tonight was not my fault. Yes, true I could have posted earlier in the day, but it didn’t seem to be necessary.

I went to the bowling alley with my family, as I tend to do on Friday nights that I’m not stuck at work. Not to imply that I don’t absolutely love work, not to imply that at all… Generally we get home at nine, but of course this couldn’t be the average night.

Let it just be said that an excess of alcohol and ego was involved. It quickly turned into a long night, but thankfully I made home and thus have managed to finish a week without earning the obligation to responsible for posting this weekend.

Thank God, goal accomplished!

To Remember

Today was a lovely day, even though I spent it at work. I was able to keep super busy, so it didn’t seem like a long day, which was awesome. Mostly I spent the day cleaning, but that wasn’t so bad. I like to stay busy. The way I see it, is that they are paying me to work so I’m going to work, anything less than that is equivalent to a waste of my time.

As of tonight I will be a week ahead in my Shakespeare class. I’m hoping to manage to keep that status up so that maybe I won’t feel like I’m always under such a time crunch. Of course, it would help if I wouldn’t wait so late to post on this blog. I seriously almost forgot to post tonight, and worst part is that I was thinking about needing to post on my drive home from work.

Short term memory ftw.

Volunteer, Get Involved

I used to volunteer all the time when I was in high school and a member of the National Honor Society. Prior to my involvement with that group, I went on mission trips with the church that I attended up until my freshman year of high school.

My point here is that I used to volunteer all of the time, and it’s something that I miss. The thing about volunteering is that it is something that you can do for other people, and therefore put them before one’s self. Sometimes it’s important to take a step back from your own thoughts and the situations that are nagging at you and give back to the community.

It’s easy to get caught up in our troubles, and fears, and worries to the point that they consume us. Volunteering is a way to divert this energy and take a moment to think about people and situation beyond one’s self.

My goal this summer is going to be to look for more opportunities to volunteer and regain some of that perspective that I feel as though I have lost in the last two years. I need to stop worrying so much about what the future holds and take a moment to consider the present.

Broken Plans, Looking Forward

My goal for the week is to actually manage to post each day so that I don’t have to remember to post on the weekend. Thankfully this week is a little less crazy than last week. Yay!

I went and got my hair cut today. It’s slightly shorter than I was planning… but it’ll grow back out so whatever. I’m still a little stressed out about the prospect of not transferring when I was originally planning, assuming I get in, but I’m trying to take a step back from the situation. What’s done is done and I just need to keep pushing forward.

Ultimately things will work out the way they need to and maybe I’ll be better off for it. I hope so anyway…

Bummer

If things seem to be going according to plan, then you know something is about to happen to throw all those plans into chaos. This seems to be a basic law of the universe. I was certain that I had all my ducks in a row, and was prepared to be done with school once April was over, but now I’m not so sure.

At the end of this semester I will have all of the credits I need, except for two classes that relate to my major. I have no idea why it never occurred to me to make sure that I satisfied major requirements while at WCC. All of my attention has been on making sure that I got my basic credit out of the way for MSU.

Worse yet, only one of those two classes that I need are available for the spring semester. Oh well, I’m going to put in my graduation request and hopefully then I will be able to hash things out with someone.

False Appearance

I can remember my first grade self vaguely. I’ve always been a quite person, but that never stopped me from standing up for myself. I had this friend that year, who would periodically threaten not to be my friend for inane reasons. Usually it was because I didn’t want to play the same games that she did during recess.

When I would disagree with her she would threaten not to be my friend unless I agreed, and rather than cave in I would tell her that was fine. Whatever.

The funny thing is, by the time recess was over she would always come back and say she was sorry, and oh could we be friends again. I would always agree, I would forgive and “forget” as it were. There are those that would say my continual forgiveness is evidence of a failure on my part to be assertive, but I don’t think that’s true.

I think the more important thing about this memory is my reaction to her initial threat. What did it matter to me if she didn’t want to be my friend? As far as I was concerned I didn’t need her to be my friend if she didn’t want to be.

Needless to say I lost contact with her after that year, which isn’t surprising since I switched schools and I believe she moved out of the area. In fact, all I remember of her is that her name was Yvonne, and of course the above anecdote.

But this is all to prove my point, which may in fact prove pointless. My point, is that sometimes appearances don’t always paint the full picture. You can believe that you know someone and in reality not have the slightest idea who they really are. I may not always seem to be the most assertive person, but what seems to be isn’t always the truth.

Past, Present, Future

I love the sound of spring. It is wonderful wake up in the morning to sunlight streaming through the window and birds singing in the cool morning air. Spring is fantastic because it is the end of freezing to death every time you step out the front door.

Spring is a time of new beginnings, a chance to start over after the hellish ordeal that is a long and grueling Michigan winter. As majestic as a first snow may appear when view from inside a cozy house, I’m not sad to see it go.

The other lovely thing about spring, is that it is the prelude to summer which means that school is almost out. It’s not that I don’t enjoy school, but I’m ready for a break. I want some time to myself. I don’t want to worry anymore about squeezing in time for homework in-between work and actually attending classes.

What I really want is to sleep again. It’s easy to forget what it is like to really, and truly sleep. Worry tends to erode away any chance of sleep, which conversely leads to sleep deprivation, leading to further worry. It is an endless cycle perpetuated by the inability to take a step back, to forget the past, let the future be and take the present one moment at a time.

Travel Ramble

If I could go anywhere in the world right this instant and not have to consider any responsibilities, I would jump in my car and just drive. I wouldn’t have any particular location that I would have to reach. The idea is soothing.

Sometimes I become easily immersed in whatever is stressing me out in the moment that it’s refreshing to imagine taking a step back and remembering to breathe. It often feels as though
I’ve forgotten to breathe. I don’t think of this notion as running away, so much as I consider it an opportunity to clear my head.

So many times whatever is stressing us out is related to a time or place it dwells in the atmosphere that surrounds us on a daily basis. We feel trapped by circumstances and regrets. Melancholy can be an overwhelming thing, an intangible wall that over time surrounds and encases us making escape seem impossible. There are moments when it is necessary to remove yourself from the equation, to forget the problem if even only for a moment in time.

There are so many things that I want to do, things that I need to do, and then there are the things that I am compelled to do. It is easy to feel weighed down by things that in hindsight are insignificant.

Who? Me?

Apparently I am not very assertive, or at least I don’t seem to be. I fully admit that I prefer to take things in stride, and it is often more important to me to take care of others before myself… but this doesn’t make me a push-over. If I don’t agree with something, or if I feel that it is important to take a stand I will.

Some people seem to think that I’m incapable of standing up for myself, and I can see where they get this impression but I don’t feel that it has any real weight behind it.

My dad likes to tell me that I have people fooled. To a degree I guess this is true. Who really knows me? Who is really aware of the temper that I work so hard to hold in and constrain? It makes me feel better that my parents don’t think I’m as spineless as others seem to think.

Sometimes it’s hard to know that everyone thinks I’m such a nice person.

Sometimes I wish they knew how much of a struggle it can be.

There are times when I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of others expectations. Everyone thinks they know exactly who I am, when half the time I’m not even sure who I am…

Eh...

The good news is that I finished my essay before the deadline, the bad news… I didn’t post again yesterday. Of course this means that there will be four posts this weekend. Great, fantastic. Can this week please be over? Please?

I keep telling myself that everything will be fine, I just have to make it to the end of April. God, I wish the end of April were closer at hand. I enjoy school, but I’ve reached my limit between juggling work and classes and the insane amount of reading that I have to maintain this semester. I enjoy reading, but it’s gotten to the point that the only things that I read are class related.

I don’t want to read anymore Shakespeare and yet I’m obligated to read at least three more plays…

I’m whining, and I don’t like to whine but these are the things that are on my mind. They are consuming my brain, running in a continuous stream. That is the one thing to be said about going to work, it gives me a chance to forget about school everything that I have to do, at least when I’m busy…

Stupid Essay's

Sometimes I feel like maybe I have lost my touch. In high school we were always be assigned these ridiculous papers to write. The proclamation was always the same, “This is to prepare you…”, “When you’re in college…”. But, you see, the thing is since being a college student I have had to write a vastly smaller amount of papers than what I ever wrote in high school.

This is where the problem comes in. I have to write a paper for my Shakespeare class, but I am thoroughly unmotivated to do so. Not only am I unmotivated, but I have this nagging, pervasive thought hanging around in the back of my head. I’m not sure where to even begin in writing this paper. Do I need to do research? Is the play resource enough? Is my thesis good enough? Why oh why can’t I just write?

The paper will get written, and before my Friday deadline. I am certain of this, just as I am certain that there is no way in hell that I’ll be able to make that deadline. Both of these are certainties in my mind and yet only one will serve as a truth. I suppose this just plays into the idea that in many ways we choose our own truth.

For instance, I could choose to make it true that making the deadline is an impossibility, but in choosing that truth I would be sacrificing my grade in the name of my own selfish desire not to be bothered with writing the paper. On the other hand, I can also choose for it to be true that I will make the deadline. I can choose to just write the ridiculous paper and worry about its content after I have actually put words to paper.

Regardless of what happens with the paper that I’ve been worrying over for the past week and a half, I missed blogging yesterday, which means you will be hearing from me this weekend. I will not make excuses for yesterday’s absence, though I will note that it was not a case of forgetting to blog. Let’s just say some poor planning and a flat tire were involved…

… and now I return to my essay. Stupid essays.

Hating Shakespeare

For some reason at the beginning of the semester I thought taking a Shakespeare class would be a good idea. I have no idea what my rationale for this decision was, but yeah I was wrong. Not only is it driving me crazy because obviously it’s all Shakespeare all the time, but it’s also on online course.

This week is “midterm” week, at least as far as that class is concern. This means that I have this crazy worksheet to do based on the three plays that we have read so far, and it’s driving me up the wall. Essentially the whole thing is turning into a scavenger hunt through the three plays to find specific quotes so that I can expound on them.

Not only do I get that lovely craziness, but I also have to write a paper. I still haven’t figured out precisely what my topic is going to be, and I’ve agreed to go to work tomorrow. All of this is due Friday and like a moron I’ve promised away large portions of my free-time.

Why is it I only over-think things when it is completely unnecessary, but when it would do me some good to ponder my answer before I speak I choose to impulsive?

Creepy Old Men

I almost hit a deer on my way home from work. In my defense it was dark and the stupid deer came out of nowhere. Luckily the accident was avoided.

All in all though today was a strange day, an excessively strange day. For one thing I seemed to be constantly tripping and falling over things. I am not the most graceful person, I fully admit this, but I was strangely clumsy today.

Then of course there was the creepy old guy episode. Oh. My. God. Why do old men think that it is alright to go to public places and say creepy things to the people that work at those places? Why? I would seriously like to know.

So today I went over to help out in the fudge shop for maybe a half hour, and this couple walks in. They picked out their fudge and then I asked about where they wanted to pay for it. They could pay for it then, or wait until they went downstairs. The guy says, “I can pay for it here, as long as you don’t charge me twice.” He could have easily stopped there, but did he? No. He continued with, “Or else I’d have to give you a hickey and you’d have trouble explaining that one.”

What the hell? I have now officially heard it all. Eh, now I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow…

Tattoo Controversy

Tattoo’s seem to be the subject of the week, or at least the past few days. They were the focus of a lunch-time conversation in the break-room at work, and now they are a source of controversy regarding the latest Barbie doll.

I can’t say that I understand the problem. If you don’t approve of the doll, don’t buy it for your kid. But then people are strange, they like to think of themselves as dictators of the societies in which they live.

I read this article recently, and of course now I can’t find it again or even remember where I read it… but it was about Barbie turning fifty this year, and the author was reminiscing about her own childhood and the roll played by Barbie in it.

In the article the author mentioned the many controversies that Barbie has faced over the years, specifically the age-old debate over the role Barbie plays in young girls development of self-image. The point that she made, that I particularly liked, was that for young children it’s not really about what the doll looks like. The image of the doll was never so important as the complex scenarios that the dolls owner could come up with. Barbie was a blank template, a vehicle to be fueled by the imagination. There were no limits to who she could be.

What the author remembered, and what I remember from own Barbie doll days, were building worlds in which her Barbie could live. Through the doll she was able to live out her dreams of the moment. On occasion I think people give too much credit to the face value of a situation. It’s never really been about what the doll looks like, that’s not important to the dolls target audience.
The author also stressed that it was not Barbie who shaped her expectations for the future, and assisted her in developing a sense of her own image. These ideas and truths she sought through the important women in her life, her mother, grandmother, aunts, ect. It is through the living, breathing people that we learn those things that become ingrained in us as we grow older. They helped her become the woman that she grew to be through both their conscious and unconscious actions. This I think is an important truth that we often lose sight of.

While media, toys and gadgets may serve as partial influences on our youth, it is ultimately the people in their lives who play the largest role in shaping who they will become.

Excitement

I took my car in to get the heater looked at. Thankfully it didn’t cost anything for them to look at it and correct the problem since the part was under warranty. It is wonderful to have heat once again.

It was midnight before I got to sleep last night, and then I woke up this morning at five. I was wide awake, at five in the morning. How utterly annoying! But I had to be up and out of the house by six-thirty anyway, so I guess it was fine aside from the complete lack of sleep.

Despite the sleep deprivation though, I managed to go to an interview today and I think it went well. I won’t know for sure until Monday whether or not I got the job but I’m stoked anyway. She told me that out of three-hundred applications she’s narrowed it down to nine, and I am one of those nine.

Better than that though, I let her know that I plan to transfer to MSU in the fall, assuming that I’m accepted, and she said that wasn’t a problem. In fact, if I get hired in it is a real possibility that I can transfer up to their store near the campus as long as they have a position open in that store. That would be fantastic.

I’m excited, but I haven’t mentioned anything at work yet. I want to know whether or not I’ve gotten the job before I say anything. No need to get everyone in a tizzy until I know there’s any news to tell.

Warm Weather Please

I was driving to work this afternoon, and it occurred to me how much I detest the transition between winter and spring in Michigan. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for spring to get here. I long for warmer weather.

My problem lies in the fact that looking out the window you are deceived into believing that it is a warm, beautiful day out and then you step outside… For instance, this afternoon the sky was a magnificent robin’s egg blue, there were wispy cloud strewn about. The sun was smiling down on the pavement.

By all accounts it should have been a lovely day, aside from the horrendously frigid air. Warm weather, where for art thou?

Darcy, The Snob

The heater went out in my car… again. Well, ok, so technically it still works, but only if it’s on its highest setting. ::Sigh::

In other news my cat is a snob. On occasion I buy her canned food, but I can’t buy her just anything. In fact the only thing that she won’t turn her nose up at is either Tuna and Shrimp or the Ocean fish mix. At any rate I bought her a can of ocean fish, but it wasn’t her usual can. In fact it was a larger can, because I had this crazy idea that she could eat a portion of it at one time and have the rest later.

She was all ready to eat it while it was in the can. In fact, she was all ready to eat it when she saw her usual dinner plate. However, once I actually scooted the plate her way she gave its contents one whiff and then stuck her nose in the air and slinked away.

Darcy is a snob. So of course, I relented and bought her a couple cans of her usual stuff. Cats.

Stressed

Sometimes it feels as though I am endlessly waiting for a tomorrow to make its appearance. It’s a torturous waiting game that at times seems hard to maintain. The current goal is to wait for MSU’s pronouncement, whether it be affirmative or not. That is to be my current goal of tomorrow and from there I can begin to formulate plans as they relate to the future.

It’s difficult to pin point exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s just easy to feel as though I’ve been backed into this corner and I can’t find my way back out. Over the past week I’ve persistently felt as though my own self-concept has been challenged, and I seem to be the one making that challenge.

I’m frustrated. I’m tired.

It’s seems like I have a general idea of the path that I am on, but I can’t fully see the whole picture. I’m lost in familiar territory, and I don’t know how I managed to do it…

On an unrelated note… my brother-in-law got to come home from the hospital today, which was awesome. We were surprised because at first the doctors said that he wouldn’t be coming home until Tuesday, but it was a welcome surprise.

Confessions

How did I reach this cross-roads? Sometimes I feel so lost. Sometimes I’m not certain that I really know what it is that I’m looking to achieve. There are times where it feels like all I do is look for ways to help other people. So much of my time is given to making sure that other people are taken care of…

There are times that I wish I would just stop caring. Why do I have to be such a bleeding heart all of the time? Is it so wrong to want to be a little selfish once and while? The logical answer I want to give is no, it’s not so wrong to want to consider yourself every once and a while but the guilt of that idea is so over powering.

What do I have to feel guilty for? Why do I feel so guilty? I want to sleep, I want give the thoughts that are hindering my ability to sleep a rest. I want to sink into the oblivion of thoughtless, dreamless sleep but it’s being illusive tonight.

What I want above all else to feel this weight lift from my shoulders. I want to stop feeling burdened by the things I cannot control. But I don’t know how to do that, I don’t know how to relinquish these feelings. I have no idea how to let go and breathe. How do you let go? Where is peace and how can I garner it?

I feel like I’m letting everyone down, I always feel like I’m letting everyone down…